When it all comes down...

When it all comes down to it, Gracie remains. I don't have time to be outwardly depressed. Not getting out of bed for a few days while I mourn the lack of a significant other is not an option. I have a child (who can put a smile on my face even when I am in the darkest of moods) that depends on me to not lose my job. He doesn't know it, but he depends on that.  Otherwise, I would lose my car. He'd have no where to go bye-bye to if Mommy can't drive us there. I'd have no money to get him fun things and diapers...I mean...I just do not have time to lay around and be depressed.

But some days, I'd like to.

Like today.

I go through phases where being single is just the greatest thing since sliced bread. During those times, I don't feel the weight of the romantic world staring me in the face. I don't feel green with envy of all my girlfriends who have found good men to share their lives with. I don't constantly look at people I meet everyday like "Are you him?".

Then there are times like this week that it just seems like love is in the air for everyone else but I feel like I'm gasping for just half a lungful of that air without any luck. There is no worse feeling than the feeling of loneliness.  Of climbing in your bed alone, again, and there isn't a warm person to snuggle up to. Riding in the car and there's no navigator sitting in you passenger seat, or a pilot driving you to where you want to go. You know. Your other half.

Some of my girlfriends have married some fantastic men. The kind of men that just...get it and have no qualms about entertaining the silliness of their wives just for the sake of seeing her smile. They love their wives with just enough ferocity to be completely normal without being possessive. I can't say that I have EVER felt completely comfortable with a significant other. I've always been nervous about something.  Is he going to cheat? Does he like my family? Does my family like him?  Is he good for Monkey? (Because we all know that if he's no good for Monkey, he sure as hell won't be good for me.)

I've decided to submerge myself into school and not come up for said air until I have a degree in something. Maybe if I'm too busy with work, Monkey and school, I won't have time to think about much of anything else...