I can't believe how long it's been since I've written. I have such a heavy load right now that I don't even know where to start. I feel heavy. Physically and mentally. I ate almost an entire bag of Zapp's BBQ kettle style chips today as I sat in front on my computer wandering aimlessly in the abyss that is the WWW. More specifically, Facebook. It helped nothing.
My cousin is walking and losing weight and I am so happy for her. She's been well over 300 lbs for a very long time and thus far, she has shed 50 of it. Even as heavy as she still is, she looks great. She has found the motivation that I desperately need and crave every day. I feel helpless and out of control right now and borderline nuts half the time.
I hate my job. I know, I know. I'm lucky to have one... But seriously? I hate my job. I dread getting out of bed on days that I have to work and have absolutely zero passion for anything about it. Yet, I have no idea what to do or where to even start to find the true root of my miserable existence in the work force. I don't really know what I want to do and in all honesty, have no idea what I would be good at or like to do. This is a HUGE problemo. And it stresses me daily.
I currently have a boyfriend, though may not for very much longer. Today, I realized that though he may care for me, we are not on the same page. And I'm tired of constantly being disappointed and in a consistent manner. I don't think he's the one. Not anymore at least. That saddens me. Greatly. I really liked him a lot. On some level, loved him. But I can walk away and be done. I just hate that feeling of one more failure. A close friend told me that it's not I who has failed but rather that I have, again, dealt with someone who has failed me and that I cannot change someone who doesn't want to be changed. She's right. Plain and simple. Ugh. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I'm just...done. I'm done with it.
Also, Baby Daddy said he wants to give up his rights. That is both good and bad. Good because if it happens, I'll likely not have to deal with his fucking dumb ass for a long time. Bad because even though it's never been about the money, I will likely no longer receive child support. That is not my money. It's Monkey's. And it has ALWAYS gone towards daycare expenses...since that's about all it pays for. Anything left over, which is pocket change, is always just left int he account. I'm not one of those parents who uses their child's support funds to get her nails done or some other frivolous spend. That's Monkey's money. It goes towards his welfare. I just happen to use it to pay for his daycare. If BD isn't held financially responsible any longer, that's a big bill coming my way that is very abrupt and very regular. That's about to strap me tighter than a gnat's ass over a rain barrel...
I'm stressed and hating it. I'm unhappy and hating that even more so. I don't know where to start. I don't know where the yellow brick road is to take that first step into the spiral.