In the spirit of finding myself (again), I think that it's pretty evident that I am going to have to make quite a few admissions to myself. Some of which are going to be easy and thoughtless, others, not so much. Others will be full of regret, overwhelming emotion, and maybe even downright self pity. However, they must be revealed in order to really deal with the issue at it's core. Here's one:
The downside to not opening your mouth and just verbalizing what is on your mind (or in your heart) is that some opportunities may pass you by. Completely. Utterly shameful is the fact that though I, like so many others, am scared witless of rejection. It's something that I struggle with daily and thus have to live with the consequences when I give in to it. This is something about myself that I am not fond of. I stongly admire those who can live their lives without regard to what others may think of them and in doing so, know exactly who they are, where they are, and in which direction they will move next.
I did not speak my heart's truth when I was infatuated with a man several years ago. He probably had no idea I had any sort of feelings for him as I never gave him indication otherwise. Instead, I went against my better judgement and got involved with a total loser who eventually dealt me a healthy blow of infidelity in our marriage and the gift of embarassment through an unforseen divorce. (These things are in my past and that's where they should lie indeed. However, these are the kind of things that shape a person. Scars, marks, and tattoos of the heart and soul. Emotional war wounds if you will.They should never be uncounted or ignored when dealing with someone who has lived through them. They should also never be used as an excuse to keep others at an arms distance from your heart either.)
So, in evading what was really in my heart and knowing the person I chose to take up with was a scumbag, I believe it's self evident that I regret not speaking up and telling this person how I really felt about him. It did not go without consequence. Hypothetically speaking of course (as I don't know if he would have reciprocated the feelings), had I spoken my heart and he felt the same in return, even in the slightest, there would have been drastic changes in the paths that I have taken since knowing him years ago.
So, I'm left with a HUGE case of the "what if's" and though I'm no stranger to them, it's still a drag. And to compound the issue, (and this is laughable) I am moderately jealous of the people that are in his everyday life. (We live states away from each other now.) Ugh, the decisions we make. Some are just downright,...haunting. Blech.
