Day One...

Since my last post about the guy I'm interested in and the 90 days of Alaska,...I have been talking to some of my girlfriends both new and old. The opinions and advice were overwhelmingly similar and I thought that was good because that means I pick good friends. lol

My previous blog revealed that I have been in a monogamous "friends with benefits" situation with a man for a little over a month now. During that month and a half, I somehow lost a little bit of my spunk and sassiness (even though I vowed not to ever do that again after the last idiot I was with, who happens to be my son's father...) and have decided to reclaim it. After all, it was MINE to begin with!!!

The girls, after listening to some of the history and events behind Mr. NRN and I, their advice was to stop initiating contact (be it via texting or calling) and to just let things go.  See what happens.  Maybe it will allow him time to think and that I should be prepared for it to go either way.  He'll either get up there and realize that I'm no big deal and that he can live without me in his life, or (and I hate admitting that I want this to be the case) he will get up there, have time to think about me and the whole situation, and come to the realization that I'm a good hearted woman, faithful (not easy to find these days), and that he would actually be the one missing out if he let things go himself.  It's like one of my besties (Ms. Adventure) said to me yesterday, if he doesn't call, then I should feel very "unimportant" to him (and I absolutely would!!) and that he should be placed in my life exactly where he places me in his.  It stings, but it's the truth and that's what your besties are for.  Another one of my girls (Mac) told me yesterday to let the Lord guide me.

**I have been absent from the church for a great number of years.  I recently decided to go back since I think it will help me lay a solid foundation for my son and help me in raising him. I met Mac through her husband (Big Mac) with whom I work. (Great people and I am blessed to know them.) I drive roughly 45 minutes, one way, to get to the church we all attend. Mac told me that it is obvious that I have a thirst for Christ and am trying to put myself back on the right track, otherwise I would not drive all the way out there to attend church. I happen to really like the one I found out there.**

And in letting the Lord guide me, and striving to live a better life than what I have been, He will bless me.  In making these changes in my life, I've realized that I DO want to go to church. I DO want a man in my life that will attend church WITH me. I believe that couples (married or even just dating) have a stronger foundation when they go to church together.  And, I DON'T want someone who will not be willing to do these things.  There's big trouble in a relationship when you're not on the same page. I cannot tell you how TIRED and DRAINED I am from all the "big troubles" in my relationships.

SO, in an attempt to right my life and pull this out of control bus back onto the road, maybe I'll gain the strength I will need to put away the door mat on my face, start to love myself, find happiness in life.  I don't know what's going to happen in terms of Mr. NRN.  I'd be lying if I told you I didn't care. I do care.  A great deal, in fact.  And I hope that if he hasn't already, that he figures out that he cares for me also (if that is truly the case).  He's not a bad guy.  We've just gotten ourselves into a situation that isn't the best and I fell for him just a little too hard because I didn't guard my heart.

This is Day One of ninety (that Mr. NRN will be gone) and Day One of getting on the right path because it's what I want to do.

Here in body, not in mind...

It's been a while since I have graced the web with another one of my postings,...better late than never I say!

Lots has happened since the last posting. I met someone. Ugh! Even to me that sounds silly but it's true. I met him here at work while I was still on night crew (they moved us all to days because we're awesome and pretty much worked ourselves off of nights) and almost immediately was enthralled with him.

For the sake of keeping the innocent protected, we'll call him Mr. Not Right Now (Mr. NRN) (Not to be confused with *Jeremy. He and I have fashioned a brother/sister type relationship that consists of constant teasing and relentless joking and all of which are in a "I'm cool with you but not like that" kind of way. I am happy with that and wouldn't change it.) I was immediately attracted to him physically. He stands about 5'10" (I'm 5'8"), and has these broad shoulders that make me want to sink my teeth into them. Yep, I said that out loud. He carries himself with confidence and has a sense of humor,...and the best thing? He has manners. Yes, ladies, he still holds doors open and thinks that his side of the bed is the side closest to the door. Chivalry is not dead as I thought it was. I truly believe that I have met my match. What's the catch, you ask? Well let me tell you. He is not ready for a serious relationship. Grr.

It was finally admitted back in February that my feelings of interest are reciprocated, but that he is not ready for that next step of a relationship. Apparently the girl he was last interested in pulled a "bitch maneuver" on him and the ending result was not in my favor as I would like to have not had a man with a bleeding heart on my hands. But bleed as it does, I see through the crap and happen to know that his heart is genuinely good. He needs time to heal as we all do.

Now,...I may get some ridiculed for this, but we have a "friends with benefits" relationship. It happened one night and was mutually decided that our chemistry in that department is spot-on. That. man. sets. my. skin. on. fire. Period. It might have something to do with the immense emotional involvement on my part that I have with him, but...dang. Wow. The best part about that department of our odd relationship status is that though "fwb", we are monogamous about it. Without a doubt, he could at any point, as could I, choose to take up with someone else. We are not in a serious committed relationship and though it would sting really bad, we do have that option. I personally have no intentions of it and to this point, neither does he. I mean, I have a son that I can't just get up and leave whenever the heck I feel like it,...and though frustrating at times, he hasn't sought out other company. That was made abundantly clear to me during a minor fight we had not too long ago,...which reminds me. I HATE fighting with him. HATE IT. I felt nauseous the entire time,...and it would please me peachy if it never happened again. (It will though. We are both stubborn as all get out.)

So, another monkey wrench in the whole business. I would love nothing more that to be in a relationship with this man, and it be deeper that the one we currently have. There is something about him that sends chills down my spine (the good kind), butterflies in my stomach, melts my heart, and...makes my blood boil (again, in a good way). And all of these things do not accurately describe how I feel when he's around. And I miss him terribly when he's not. I've asked so many people over the course of my adulthood how they knew he/she was the one. They all answered the same. They just knew. No way to describe it,...you just know. Monkey wrench: he leaves on Wednesday for 90 days to go to Alaska to do some work for our company.

90 WHOLE freakin' days. That is going to suck beyond all suckiness! So I think that one of two things is about to happen. The glass is half empty part of me thinks that he will get up there and come to forget about little 'ol me even though we've had the conversation about both of us being able to wait for the other, sexually, until he gets back home. **I do not share. And I do not expect to be shared either. The two of us happen to believe in monogamy, but, we are human and I'm choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong. I am allowing myself to trust him...which is a big thing for me.** And the part of me that WANTS to believe in happy endings and positive outcomes thinks that maybe, just maybe, he'll get up there and by some stroke of a grace, he will realize that I have no intentions of harming his heart, that I'm a good woman, and actually miss me while he's gone. The whole absence makes the heart grow fonder deal.

He weighs heavily on my mind and heart daily. A constant thought process. Not in that psycho kind of way, but more a caring, hope he's doing well and maybe even thinking about me (hehe) kind of way. I've gotten myself so wrapped up in the what-if's that I've just almost made myself sick for worry over what's about to happen in the next 3 months and even beyond that, that...I can't take it anymore. I went to church yesterday (I've been absent for a number of years and have recently just started going back) and sat on the pew while a tear was jerked from my eyes and put it all in God's hands. His plan is ultimately the only one that matters so my "plan" is really insignificant. I've been praying for guidance and to learn of His will in this area of my life and the patience and strength to wait for it to unfold without sticking my two cents in and messing it up as only humanly possible. We'll see. So as I sit here at work trying to be productive but thinking of Mr. NRN, I'm here in body, not in mind.