...And here's the truth of it all

I'm sitting at the VA hospital waiting on an appointment and figured now was as good a time as any to write a blog. I'm using my BlackBerry to do so, so I hope it goes through. Experimentation should not be used for this one but it's just gonna have to do.

I am in a great mood today. A few months ago, I asked my doctor to put me back on Wellbutrin (an anti-depressant). I didn't take it as faithfully in the beginning as I should have but now that I have been on it steady for at least a month, when I miss a day, I can tell. I'm not "I can't get out of bed" "I'm spaced out and anti-social" depressed. I don't know how to explain it...but it helps to take the edge off the irritation and frustration I feel with certain things. I feel like I'm a better person.

I was talking to Red and she said something to me the other day that kind of hit home. I struggle with body image and self-esteem issues. I always have. For a while, and sometimes still, I just couldn't wrap my head around people being interested in me if I didn't have makeup on or something stupid like that. And it is stupid because I love all my girlfriends without theirs on and don't shun other people I meet if they aren't dressed to the nines, etc. I typically accept everyone for who they are...but it's different when it comes to me. BUT! Red told me that it's not always what's on the outside as to why people like you. And this is the truth of it all. She and I have and probably will again, dated men who weren't the most attractive bombshell model men because we were attracted to their personalities. Is there something overly gorgeous about Mr. NRN? Nope. He's pretty standard and "normal". Nothing outwardly special. However, his personality rocks and in turn I am outrageously attracted to him.

I am who I am. I have a mommy tummy. It's got the tell-tale stretched out skin (which I loathe) and the now white stretch marks. But I'm finally coming to grips with the truth and that's that people will and do like/love me for me and not my body. I workout when I can, even if it's only once a week when I go walking with Miss T or kayaking with my mom, but I focus on more pressing things like being a full time working mom, who when I'm not at work, I'm at home chasing after a 17 month old. So, I'm happier now and increasingly more so as it sinks in further, that people are going to like me reagardless of my cover. It's the story and humor within my pages that they seek and want. :)

Recently, I took myself completely off the dating market. Indefinitely. I am SO tired of looking for my knight in shining armor and finding all the idiots in tin foil. They always say it happens when you quit looking and when you least expect it but I am FINALLY ok with being single. I quit thinking about all the things I might be missing out on and just decided that I have all the good stuff in life. All that other crap is just distraction from the good stuff. And I don't need it.

Now, this is kinda funny. I work with Biker. A few weeks ago, Biker was standing outside of his shop talking to a guy I'd never met, who had just gotten back from Alaska with all the other guys. I stopped and was talking to them and eventually moved on. Last week or so, I was talking to Biker and was telling him that I'm done. I'm just done with the whole aspect of dating, looking, or even worrying about men in general. Well, on Monday, he told me he had a number to give me. I was like, what kind of number? It was a friend of his who had asked him about me and wanted him to give me his number. Turns out, it as the guy who was talking to Biker outside Biker's shop that day. So, I'm conversing with Mr. Outdoors but have told him, I am NOT interested in a relationship or sex for that matter. (Sounds familiar, I know, but it's the truth and I have no intentions of letting sex into the picture either.) But he took that in stride and asked if I'd be willing to go and do something if he thought of something to do. I told him yes so long as my parents agreed to watch Monkey. He said he understood that. For the life of me, I cannot picture his face in my minds eye...

Monkey is doing great. Healthy right now, and getting huge! His personality is so much fun right now and his laugh is contagious!!! I just LOVE it. He's been so good and such a quick learner. I'm thinking about introducing the potty to him. At least giving him the opportunity and exposure to it. I'm going to get one of those little ones that sits on the floor and right before I put him in the bath every night, just let him sit on it for a little bit. I'm not going to force it on him. Just kind of let him get the feel for it.

I still have yet to hear from Mr. NRN. I saw him again the other day and didn't even give him the satisfaction of a glance in his direction. I know he saw me too. He was facing my direction and wouldn't have been able to miss me if he was blind. So, I'll continue to place him exactly in my life where he places me in his. At the bottom.


I'm going to give the ASSETT test another go today. Wish me luck. I'm gonna get there early if I can!

Hope y'all have a wonderful day!!

Ciao!

I hate you Monday...so much.

I know that I should probably wake up every morning and thank the Lord that He has given me yet another day on this earth...*sigh* but I am really sick of Mondays.  Like, REALLY sick of them.  It's the one day out of the week that my pillow is my life raft to the weekend that passed too quickly, the sheets and covers are the ocean of dreams and peaceful (not always as I still manage, as an adult even, to have quite a few nightmares) non-waking moments that beg me to stay...and then there is Monday.  Monday knows I hate it's guts.  I tell it all the time...  Trust me. Monday know there is no amount of coffee large or hot enough to drown my Monday sorrows in.  Stupid jerk wins all the time.  Scoff.

Also, I feel I should make this public service announcement...
Whoever left a half eaten cheesecake (as in left several slices up for grabs) and two Moon Pies in the break room (also up for grabs) is no friend of mine.  I'm ok if it's unopened, undisturbed, and otherwise unadulterated because I will NOT be the Miss Piggy to make the first move at demolition. I don't eat cheesecake.  Not because I don't like it.  Oh no, it ain't that...it's cause I will sit and eat an entire cake in one sitting if given the chance.  And Moon Pie's? I am addicted to those.  Another thing I refuse to go out of my way to get for myself...otherwise they go straight to my ass.  But I snagged one...  (Miss T, if you are reading this right now, know that if you come into my office and try to take it away from me, I will bite the arm you make your attempt with all the way up to the shoulder. You have been warned ma'am.)

Ok. So this weekend was great and just what I needed. I've got a long road of getting over Mr. NRN ahead of me, and some other stuff on my mind and a weekend with family and friends was right up my alley. Saturday morning, my mom and I went kayaking and that afternoon some friends of mine came to see us from up around the Ft. Worth area. Then, on Sunday, we had a house full of family for a joint birthday supper.  Steak and taters. Can't beat that!!!!

More later...

Ciao.

Why so seriousssssss?

I am guilty of taking myself WAY too seriously.  I need to lighten up and joke around more.  Maybe I can change this about myself. I love people who can laugh and joke at their own expense and crave their company.  I've been known to do it, and thus I know I am capable, but for myself and my very own sanity (what's left of it at least) I'd like to make an attempt at doing it more often.  Maybe Gracie is hiding somewhere in that realm of my subconscious existence... I really need to find her again. 

*Note to self: Make a page that reflects what I want for myself. A list of everything I want to accomplish in the next 6-12 months... Add to it when needed and make note of accomplishments. Start small and short term...gotta start somewhere.*

This will be available for viewing soon...

Other than getting my hair dyed, trimmed and bangs cut in (since I decided to hang up the chicken shitedness and just do it, hair grows back anyway) and REALLY liking my new look...there is nothing else really to report.  But today has a feeling about it...I think it's going to be a really good day...  There's no telling what's gonna happen, but it feels good today.  We'll just have to wait and see!!! 

Hope your day is wonderful and full of goodness...

Ciao!

P.s.  When I just spell checked this post, the word "shitedness" was the only one to register as a misspelled word...LOL!!! I thought that was funny!

So much...

I'd like to say that SO MUCH has happened lately and that's why I have been MIA, but alas, not true.  *Deep breath, big sigh* In truth though, there have been a few happenings...

This week I am in a different area and filling in for a girl who is on vacation. Miss Pessimistic, formerly known as Miss Planner.  We all know that we are all different and may do things differently. It's called style. My style of getting things done at work differs from hers so all I hear is that I'm gonna "fuck it all up" and that I am "overwhelmed" if I ask the same question 5 times because I forgot.  It's truthfully a lot of information and things to learn that has been thrown at me over the last couple of weeks.  Moreover, it's a lot of shit easily forgotten.  Anyway,...Miss Pessimistic is on vacation right now and the office is SO quiet.  You could hear a pin drop at any given moment. Her mouth isn't running, her kids and her husband (who also works here) aren't calling the office every five minutes, I'm not forced to listen to family drama, and it's generally peaceful.  I have time to thing about the next step I need to take in completing a task...I'm not behind.  The guys we work with seem to be much more at ease also.  I'm not barking orders at them and being a snobby, entitled bitch...men react so much better when you talk to them like human beings and treat them fairly. 

Speaking of men...

Oh holy halibut in Hades...Mr. NRN is on Texas soil again. And freaking me out!!!!!  My nerves are raw and I feel vulnerable and have no clue what is wrong with me.  (Side note: I actually made it to church this past Sunday. Monkey felt good and I was able to finally take him with me and we got to go.  Let me just say that it's helping me.  I'd been absent for quite a few weeks now and feeling emotionally, and spiritually weaker as the weeks went by.  By that, I don't mean that my faith and beliefs were becoming no more, just that I needed a boost of confidence through faith.)  So yesterday I saw him.  Yesterday I spoke to him. Yesterday I made a complete bonehead out of myself in front of him...

I had gone up to the other area that I used to work at to see Big Mac and Jeremy and was actually holding a conversation with Jeremy when all hell broke loose.  Not really, but enter anxiety attack here and we are in business. I saw him before he saw me...or maybe he saw me first and that was why he made his way over to where Jeremy and I were...I don't know.  The point is that he did not walk in the opposite direction but instead maneuvered his way around where we were and wound up planting his ass in a chair right between Jeremy and myself.  By this time my heart rate has sped up and the stress of it has spiked my blood pressure. It's hot in Texas right now and I was "glowing" somewhat already, but when I realized he was there yesterday, I could instantly feel sweat running down my back. (Gross I know but we have all been outside during a hot summer day and know what that feels like. My experience yesterday was as a direct result of some serious nerves in addition to the already miserable heat.)   He spoke first *and the clouds broke open and the sun rays shone though in glorious brilliance as the angels sang with great enthusiasm* and said "Hey there Gracie, what's going on?" or something to that effect. I was shocked stupid at the moment and it's really loud out there so some of it was lost to those effects but that was the jest of it and he actually did say my name.  He was definitely talking TO me.  So what do I say with all my wisdom and intelligence?  "I'm hot. It's freaking hot out here and I'm sweating my ass off." 

Wow.  Way to go, Gracie!!  You sounded as intelligent as a cardboard box! Woo Hoo!

He looked stunned for about a nanosecond (I would have been too!! Something like that comes out of some one's mouth when you ask them how it's been going...) but recovered and said that he wasn't hot and asked Jeremy if he was. Of course Jeremy, the bastard, agreed with Mr. NRN and I felt retarded instantly.  Buddy fucker... So I did the next intelligent thing that came to mind when the conversation came to an immediate lull...I mumbled something about catching them later and turn around and started walking toward my original destination.  Nice.

Much to my horror, later that day my phone pocket dials his number.  It's been 3 MONTHS since this has last occurred. 3 whole months. And now my phone wants to start acting stupid again?!  WTF?! Is there some sort of "Let's embarrass the ever livin' shit out of Gracie" conspiracy or something?  Holy green eggs and sausage shoe laces!  Well, at least I know how I'm going to die.  FROM EMBARRASSMENT!!!  *sigh*

I can't believe I am so emotional over this.  Might have something to do with the fact that I poured my heart and soul out onto a silver platter and served it up through a text message that basically explained that the reason I told him I couldn't have...relations...with him anymore (without a relationship being involved) was not because I wanted to go find something else to occupy my time, but that I didn't want to wake up one morning in love with a man that I couldn't have.  That and run the very real risk of him not returning that love.  That was the jest of that text and I didn't hear back from him after that until I was met with a face-to-face just yesterday.  Instantly panic stricken, I'm telling you.  Just awful.  No suave and graceful handling of THAT encounter.  Just fumbling, stumbling, and utter horror.  Way. To. Go.

We'll see how this goes from here on out. But, I'm not expecting it to go well...  So much for handling it well.

Ciao.