When it all comes down...

When it all comes down to it, Gracie remains. I don't have time to be outwardly depressed. Not getting out of bed for a few days while I mourn the lack of a significant other is not an option. I have a child (who can put a smile on my face even when I am in the darkest of moods) that depends on me to not lose my job. He doesn't know it, but he depends on that.  Otherwise, I would lose my car. He'd have no where to go bye-bye to if Mommy can't drive us there. I'd have no money to get him fun things and diapers...I mean...I just do not have time to lay around and be depressed.

But some days, I'd like to.

Like today.

I go through phases where being single is just the greatest thing since sliced bread. During those times, I don't feel the weight of the romantic world staring me in the face. I don't feel green with envy of all my girlfriends who have found good men to share their lives with. I don't constantly look at people I meet everyday like "Are you him?".

Then there are times like this week that it just seems like love is in the air for everyone else but I feel like I'm gasping for just half a lungful of that air without any luck. There is no worse feeling than the feeling of loneliness.  Of climbing in your bed alone, again, and there isn't a warm person to snuggle up to. Riding in the car and there's no navigator sitting in you passenger seat, or a pilot driving you to where you want to go. You know. Your other half.

Some of my girlfriends have married some fantastic men. The kind of men that just...get it and have no qualms about entertaining the silliness of their wives just for the sake of seeing her smile. They love their wives with just enough ferocity to be completely normal without being possessive. I can't say that I have EVER felt completely comfortable with a significant other. I've always been nervous about something.  Is he going to cheat? Does he like my family? Does my family like him?  Is he good for Monkey? (Because we all know that if he's no good for Monkey, he sure as hell won't be good for me.)

I've decided to submerge myself into school and not come up for said air until I have a degree in something. Maybe if I'm too busy with work, Monkey and school, I won't have time to think about much of anything else...

Her.

The story, in her words, can be found here.

But let me tell you a little something about Mrs. Adventure...

If I were to ever win a trip to Europe, she'd be my pick to go over the pond with me.

If I get too down on myself and need a virtual slap in the face "get a hold of your self woman" moment, she is who I call.

When I get my heart broken and need to be reminded of just WHO I am and the degree of my inner strength, she gets those calls, too.

When I want to strangle my co-workers...she gets the fuming and irrational emails.

For as long as I was married to her ex-husband, I was told lies about her and led to believe she was Satan's mistress with a hot red poker for a pitch fork. And when I reached out to her during my divorce, she found it in her heart to love me anyway. Well, the sisterly love part didn't come until we realized JUST how much a like we are and in how many ways...but she didn't shut me out when I was hurting.  (**We even tried to talk to wife #3 and help her understand who she was really married to when the dumb bimbo reached out to US!!  Too bad she's as stupid as she is. He's already cheated on her once, while she was pregnant might I add. But she insulted Mrs. Adventure and got stupid with me too so she can't be a part of our "First Wives Club". LMAO!!! Bimbo is still married to him...idiot.) 

And since, she and I have become closer as friends. She knows how much I really weigh and what my real pants size is. She knows exactly what will push  my buttons and just how much crap I'm going to take before spewing forth hate and discontent. She also knows that I'm tenderhearted and am emotionally hurt very easily.  And just as a best friend should, she knows how to make me laugh so hard that liquid threatens to come out of my nose.

You know that friend that would flatten any jerk who hurt your heart, allow your child to help her make granola bars to keep him busy as you take a quick shower, would stay up all night to let you in when you finally got done driving down for a visit (even though she's ALSO been up all day) and meet you at the door with a glass of freshly poured wine.

That's her.

That's my best friend.

Not gonna happen

You are probably wondering what happened with Mr. Geek Squad. Well, I was disappointed. I was disappointed in several things but the first thing I realized when I first saw him was that he had not had a haircut in like, a month or two, I swear.  I'm still not down to my ideal weight. But I do not allow that to be an excuse or a crutch to not take care of myself.  Before this trip, I made the effort to have my hair done again, my eyebrows waxed, clean clothes to travel with, etc.  I wore makeup most of the time. I didn't do these things for anyone but MYSELF. Keeping up with my outward appearance is important to me. Even my weight though it's a little more difficult due to time constraints...  I do things to make myself feel better and more presentable. It was apparent that he cares not for his own appearance. Otherwise, I believe he would have at least gotten himself a haircut. It always makes a difference.

The second thing I noticed was that he had gained weight. (We all have our reasons for gaining weight. Mine was pregnancy. I was healthy before I became pregnant and with being a single mom, it's difficult for me to find time to exercise, but I do. It might not be everyday, but I find ways to if not be able to lose my weight, to maintain it and not gain more. It's the least I can do for myself.) Now, I know for a fact that he JUST left a job that left him with an abundance of free time. Why wasn't he using that time to focus on himself and to make himself healthy again? To make himself feel better (since he more than once commented on his own weight so I know he is conscious of it)? The truth lies in the fact that he plays computer games all night and neglects sleep on some occasions. He also is less conscious of what he eats. Example... We (Mr. Geek Squad, BFF, myself, BFF's kiddos, and Monkey) all went to the children's museum in New Orleans. Prior to that, we ate at the WWII museum's restaurant "The American Sector". We each ordered sandwiches. These things came out in seriously large portions. There was also an appetizer in which I chose to only slightly partake in. After our meal, I was stuffed. I had a few of the homemade chips that came with my sandwich and half of my sandwich. I boxed the rest up and took it to go. He ate on the appetizer, his whole sandwich (a shrimp po'boy), 2 beers I think, and also had a vanilla milkshake, to go.  I'm sure he was playing when he said it but he made the comment that we (BFF and I) were "lightweights".  Um, no. So I told him that just because we weren't being pigs didn't mean that we were "lightweights" and he told me I was rude. Yeah. Ok. Truth hurt a little?    And it wasn't just this incident. There were a few. He chose to sit at BFF's house playing Angry Birds on his Xoom and later told me that he felt ignored. WTF?  I don't have the time to sit around and play video games all the time. And even if I did, I doubt that is what I would choose to do.

Before we headed into the city, he had asked me if I wanted him to drive. I don't remember saying it but I won't deny saying it either, but apparently my answer was "duh?"  And I probably DID say that...right before I got to thinking that this person likes to do in excess of 120 mph in his Honda Civic going to and from work, etc. I am lead from the knee down on the right side. I speed. However. I do not top out at 140 or whatever. And I doubt that I would...even if "my car was made to go that fast".  Then put it on a freaking closed circuit track and do your excessive speeds where the only person you are going to KILL when (not if) you loose control of that car is YOU! Even the trained and "been doing it their entire lives" race car drivers wreck. It's not if, it's when.  So, we go outside and it's friggin' hot and muggy. I start loading Monkey into the Xterra, and he starts asking me what I'm doing. Logic says, the car seat is in the Xterra. It wasn't moved. And it's too damn hot out here to be moving it 3 minutes before I pull out of the driveway. So I told him I was driving and he starts pitching a fit about me telling him I wanted him to drive and now all of a sudden I'm driving and blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Get in the truck and let's go. We went over to BFF's house and I had intended originally for him to drive from there into the city but when he pitched his fit, "I just don't understand why we can't take the HHR." (Again, the car seat issue... Let's think about this.)  Also, I don't like his HHR. Not because it's his but because it sits lower to the ground than my Xterra does. No offense to those of you who have cars, but I don't like feeling like my ass is dragging on the asphalt. Personal preference. Not to mention, have you ever really looked at an HHR? They're shaped like a hearse!!!!!!  No thank you!!!!!!


Another thing that I just can't swallow is that he does not believe in God. He has some sort of "theological" view point to where he has to be proven there is such a being. Whatever. Not my cup of tea. Some things fall under seeing is believing. Faith falls under believing is seeing. I care not to argue this point with him or anyone else for that matter. We all have our beliefs but that doesn't mean I have to endure his.  I don't know. It's partially my fault for allowing the "what if we get back together" conversations as to HIS disappointment in my visit. I just don't think that a physical relationship (there wasn't one) is enough, with such major differences in opposition, is enough to keep something meaningful alive. Not just between he and I, but between anyone seeking such. I don't need the stress and just won't deal with it.

Another rambler from Gracie

It's been quite some time since I've put thoughts down and it's time I do so again.

First, I would like to express my complete and utter satisfaction in finding that Blogger has an app in the Android Market. And you guessed it! It has been downloaded and installed and will hopefully be a tool in my blogger's belt in terms of not needing a laptop or desktop in order to spit some blog. Let's cross our fingers, shall we?

Speaking of apps, I also downloaded a weight loss tracker type app called Noom. For me, as in all things, it helps to SEE the numbers, SEE the progress, SEE the fact that what I eat is being accounted for and that my ass needs to lay off the bad stuff.  You see, recently I took a trip to NOLA and made my decision then and there to start making the change to a better and healthier lifestyle. (I allowed myself the pleasures of what my taste buds craved while in the Crescent City, though made attempts to keep my portions under control. I won some of those battles and I lost some of those battles.) The important thing is that I came home and have made more conscious decisions as to what I put in my body. It's going to be a long road, but my goal is to lose 46 lbs in 52 weeks (one year).  I'll keep you updated on the "46 in 52". Another part of this journey is not being so damned lazy all the time. For Pete's sake I was a Marine for 5 years and have been known to kick ass and take names with a prejudice!  I miss her and didn't know how much I loved her at the time and I WANT HER BACK!!! 

I love to cook. Always have. I like taking individual ingredients and making one finished product. I build my spaghetti sauce. It's part of the fun!  So last night, with the help of Fabulicious and Skinny Italian, both written by Teresa Giudice (Real Housewives of New Jersey...love her. I should probably go ahead and proclaim my love for that show here and now. LOL), I made a homemade pizza. FROM SCRATCH!!  Dough and all (except the sauce...I cheated to save time).    So, with that being said, I'm going to make more of an effort to cook and eat healthier meals and snacks. I think packing a lunch from home is also key to eating more healthy and is a much easier option since it's right there at home. I am a fast food junkie. And it's got to stop.

BFF and I got a chance to spend some time together during NOLA: Round 2.  I got to meet her new squeeze and must say that he deserves mention. Very much a strong alpha male and will be a great role model for BFF's son. Educated, successful, independent (read: stands on his own two feet), quick wit... LOL. I know that sounds like I am pining for him myself but this is not the case. I had the opportunity to be left alone with him while BFF ran to the grocery store and was able to talk to him candidly about BFF and was pleased with what he had to say. He is THE polar opposite of the scumbag she was married to and has placed a smile on BFF's face the likes in which no one has seen in YEARS. I hope he sticks around and wish them nothing but happiness and the best in their endeavors. Now, with that being said, he will have to answer to me and my Louisville Slugger in the event that he goes above and beyond to break her heart or harm her in anyway. ...Jus' sayin'.

I tried to upload some pictures but I'm going to have to have a talk with my computer about it's un-willingness to cooperate with me this morning. I wonder if I spill some coffee on it if it will work... Hmm.  I like caffeine in the morning.