So, yesterday, while on the phone with Mr. History, I was making desperate attempts at trying to verbally put into words just how thankful I am. You see, when the email happened, I slammed that door shut. I slammed it so hard the foundation shook and with every deadbolt sent home, the windows continued to rattle. And while I was stewing (read: pouting like a child), my nerves began to relax thus making room for intelligent thought processes. As I've told you before, the light bulb went on, things made sense, and I couldn't flip those deadbolts away fast enough. Here's where I get to the thankful part...I am thankful that when I opened that door I'd slammed shut, he was still standing there on the other side. If I could describe it to a cartoonist, I'd imagine his facial expression when I opened the door would be something like, "Emotional, aren't we? Are you done yet?" LOL Even when I speak to him on the phone, he's always very calm and collected. In fact, I can't imagine him being otherwise.
I was also making self look like ass when I was trying to tell him that it feels different for me this time. I'm just sitting on go with him. It was overwhelming to hear from someone that they had been looking for you for 9 years. For those 9 years that he had been looking for me, my personal life was riddled with heart break, heart ache, and what amounted to a very broken woman left in the wake. I can't help but wonder (even though he says it does no good...of course it does no good but more on that in a second) if I had just stayed when he asked me, where we would be right now. But with that being said, I didn't stay and as he put it while we were on the phone, my leaving had dire consequences. In a sense, it did. We've both been thrown through he ringer by members of the opposite sex...yet, I wouldn't tell him that I regret my decision because I don't. Had I not been treated so poorly over the last decade, I don't think I'd appreciate a good man to the fullest extent. I believe him to be a good man, however, we'll just have to wait and see how this pans out.
In other news, today I take the last of 4 exams in my American Gov't class. I wish I could tell you that I feel confident but alas. The good part? This class will be over and I will have more credits under my belt. I will climb the ladder of success one rung at a time if I have to in order to make it to the top...but I'll get there.
Monkey is doing great. He's so big and super smart....so far staying healthy too. BD will not be allowed to terminate his rights because there isn't anyone on my side, such as a husband, to adopt him. So, since he doesn't want to be around anyway, I would agree to lower his child support indefinitely and carry Monkey on my insurance if he agreed to no contact/no visitation and his permission to change Monkey's last name to mine. It's quite sick, on his part, but for a significantly lower amount per month, he has agreed to not be a part of his child's life. There is no way in frosted hell that I would EVER have agreed to anything like that. No way in hell. Shows how stupid, irresponsible, cowardly, and financially motivated he is. On one hand, I feel as though this is a victory. Someone who I didn't trust will never be able to just show up and take Monkey from me. He made himself a stranger to his own child and I felt beyond frantic when he would suggest picking Monkey up and taking him two hours from his entire life here with us...just so he could impress his girlfriend. But I know there are emotionally dark days ahead when Monkey has to learn the truth. My goal is to hopefully be able to raise him to think that what his father has done is irresponsible, is not condoned, nor should it be glamorized or glorified. I took legal action in his best interests, and BD was given every opportunity to straighten up and be a part of Monkey's life. He chose not to be. So...it's my job, as his mother and someone who loves him regardless of how much is left of my paycheck, to make the best of what cards have been dealt and try to give him a fulfilling life. :)
Christmas is coming up. Monkey is going to make out like a little bandit! LOL I still have shopping to do. Not excited about it because I have NO idea what to get my mom, Granny, Grandma, or my sister. Sis has been wanting a Nook for quite some time and the price dropped some since last year. They're still $200 but she's my sis and she's worth the price tag. She'll be my big receipt this year. Next year it will be someone elses turn. :) That leaves mom, Gran, and Grandma. Any ideas???
I was also making self look like ass when I was trying to tell him that it feels different for me this time. I'm just sitting on go with him. It was overwhelming to hear from someone that they had been looking for you for 9 years. For those 9 years that he had been looking for me, my personal life was riddled with heart break, heart ache, and what amounted to a very broken woman left in the wake. I can't help but wonder (even though he says it does no good...of course it does no good but more on that in a second) if I had just stayed when he asked me, where we would be right now. But with that being said, I didn't stay and as he put it while we were on the phone, my leaving had dire consequences. In a sense, it did. We've both been thrown through he ringer by members of the opposite sex...yet, I wouldn't tell him that I regret my decision because I don't. Had I not been treated so poorly over the last decade, I don't think I'd appreciate a good man to the fullest extent. I believe him to be a good man, however, we'll just have to wait and see how this pans out.
In other news, today I take the last of 4 exams in my American Gov't class. I wish I could tell you that I feel confident but alas. The good part? This class will be over and I will have more credits under my belt. I will climb the ladder of success one rung at a time if I have to in order to make it to the top...but I'll get there.
Monkey is doing great. He's so big and super smart....so far staying healthy too. BD will not be allowed to terminate his rights because there isn't anyone on my side, such as a husband, to adopt him. So, since he doesn't want to be around anyway, I would agree to lower his child support indefinitely and carry Monkey on my insurance if he agreed to no contact/no visitation and his permission to change Monkey's last name to mine. It's quite sick, on his part, but for a significantly lower amount per month, he has agreed to not be a part of his child's life. There is no way in frosted hell that I would EVER have agreed to anything like that. No way in hell. Shows how stupid, irresponsible, cowardly, and financially motivated he is. On one hand, I feel as though this is a victory. Someone who I didn't trust will never be able to just show up and take Monkey from me. He made himself a stranger to his own child and I felt beyond frantic when he would suggest picking Monkey up and taking him two hours from his entire life here with us...just so he could impress his girlfriend. But I know there are emotionally dark days ahead when Monkey has to learn the truth. My goal is to hopefully be able to raise him to think that what his father has done is irresponsible, is not condoned, nor should it be glamorized or glorified. I took legal action in his best interests, and BD was given every opportunity to straighten up and be a part of Monkey's life. He chose not to be. So...it's my job, as his mother and someone who loves him regardless of how much is left of my paycheck, to make the best of what cards have been dealt and try to give him a fulfilling life. :)
Christmas is coming up. Monkey is going to make out like a little bandit! LOL I still have shopping to do. Not excited about it because I have NO idea what to get my mom, Granny, Grandma, or my sister. Sis has been wanting a Nook for quite some time and the price dropped some since last year. They're still $200 but she's my sis and she's worth the price tag. She'll be my big receipt this year. Next year it will be someone elses turn. :) That leaves mom, Gran, and Grandma. Any ideas???
"It was overwhelming to hear from someone that they had been looking for you for 9 years. For those 9 years that he had been looking for me, my personal life was riddled with heart break, heart ache, and what amounted to a very broken woman left in the wake. I can't help but wonder (even though he says it does no good...of course it does no good but more on that in a second) if I had just stayed when he asked me, where we would be right now. "
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I know exactly how this feels. I dealt with this a few years ago and it was one of the hardest phases in my adult life. I spent so many years being angry at this person and wondering about the what-ifs. Then he popped up out of nowhere and we had both been looking for each other for the same amount of time. I wish I had some advice for you. It took me a few years of depression and therapy to accept my life as it is now and get over this. I hope you get through it faster then I did.