This Morning

So this morning I feel different.  I don't know why exactly.  I just do.  I rolled out of bed much too late to do anything about my wet hair when I got out of the quickie PTA (pits, tits, and ass) shower that I had to take. I also left the house without packing a lunch so you KNOW there was no time to grab breakfast.  And instead of running through the drive-thru at McDonald's (I heart their coffee) because the thought of eating something greasy just turned my stomach, I opted to go through the Starbucks drive-thru.  Needing a pick-me-up I chose a Venti Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte and a Perfect Oatmeal.  I must say this P.O. is absolutely delish and my coffee is currently serving it's purpose.  Today will be a good day.

But last night, I told Mr. NRN that I would no longer be able to be his friend with benefits.  I'm just not the kind of girl who can give just a little.  When I like/love someone, it's with all of me.  But I did tell him that when he IS ready for a relationship and if he considers me for his other half, that I hope that I'm available to be.  And that much is true.  I really do adore him and think that he is a good guy, but, if I can't have all of him, I'll have to do without any of him.  I deserve a lot more than what I'm doing to myself by allowing myself to be in that type of relationship. *sigh*

In addition to that mess, my ex fiance, we will call him Mr. Italian, from 10 years ago has recently gotten back in touch with me.  And his angle is my heart.  I don't know what to think or do about this situation because first of all, he lives in California, I live in Texas.  And I'm not leaving Texas.  Period. 

I know.  How selfish of me to think/say that, right?  Well, I'll tell you!  Everytime I was broken up with, it was ME who had to pack my stuff and relocate.  ME who had to start over.  ME who had to find another job or whatever else could possibly inconvenience me.  In addition to that, I am now a single mother.  My son does not deserve to be bounced around like that.  Especially since he has his bearings right where he is.  So, if a man wants to be with me, he can come to me, too.  And that's all I have to say about that.  lol

I have one more that I have become interested in lately.  Thanks to Ms. Adventure, I am now corresponding through e-mail at this point with someone who has really caught my attention.  Very sweet and very witty is Mr. G.  I have not met him in person as he lives in Houston and I live north of Austin, but hopefully, one of these days I will.  And like she said, if nothing else, I will have gained a friend.  I like the way she thinks.

On Friday morning I leave, with son in tow, to spend Memorial Day weekend in NOLA (New Orleans, Louisiana) visiting some friends.  I'm sure to have fun, but this week needs to hurry up and just get over with!  I'm ready for my weekend!!!  (should also prove nerve wracking interesting traveling by plane with a 14 month old...)  Say a little prayer for us that we make it in one piece!!

Ciao!

Day One...

Since my last post about the guy I'm interested in and the 90 days of Alaska,...I have been talking to some of my girlfriends both new and old. The opinions and advice were overwhelmingly similar and I thought that was good because that means I pick good friends. lol

My previous blog revealed that I have been in a monogamous "friends with benefits" situation with a man for a little over a month now. During that month and a half, I somehow lost a little bit of my spunk and sassiness (even though I vowed not to ever do that again after the last idiot I was with, who happens to be my son's father...) and have decided to reclaim it. After all, it was MINE to begin with!!!

The girls, after listening to some of the history and events behind Mr. NRN and I, their advice was to stop initiating contact (be it via texting or calling) and to just let things go.  See what happens.  Maybe it will allow him time to think and that I should be prepared for it to go either way.  He'll either get up there and realize that I'm no big deal and that he can live without me in his life, or (and I hate admitting that I want this to be the case) he will get up there, have time to think about me and the whole situation, and come to the realization that I'm a good hearted woman, faithful (not easy to find these days), and that he would actually be the one missing out if he let things go himself.  It's like one of my besties (Ms. Adventure) said to me yesterday, if he doesn't call, then I should feel very "unimportant" to him (and I absolutely would!!) and that he should be placed in my life exactly where he places me in his.  It stings, but it's the truth and that's what your besties are for.  Another one of my girls (Mac) told me yesterday to let the Lord guide me.

**I have been absent from the church for a great number of years.  I recently decided to go back since I think it will help me lay a solid foundation for my son and help me in raising him. I met Mac through her husband (Big Mac) with whom I work. (Great people and I am blessed to know them.) I drive roughly 45 minutes, one way, to get to the church we all attend. Mac told me that it is obvious that I have a thirst for Christ and am trying to put myself back on the right track, otherwise I would not drive all the way out there to attend church. I happen to really like the one I found out there.**

And in letting the Lord guide me, and striving to live a better life than what I have been, He will bless me.  In making these changes in my life, I've realized that I DO want to go to church. I DO want a man in my life that will attend church WITH me. I believe that couples (married or even just dating) have a stronger foundation when they go to church together.  And, I DON'T want someone who will not be willing to do these things.  There's big trouble in a relationship when you're not on the same page. I cannot tell you how TIRED and DRAINED I am from all the "big troubles" in my relationships.

SO, in an attempt to right my life and pull this out of control bus back onto the road, maybe I'll gain the strength I will need to put away the door mat on my face, start to love myself, find happiness in life.  I don't know what's going to happen in terms of Mr. NRN.  I'd be lying if I told you I didn't care. I do care.  A great deal, in fact.  And I hope that if he hasn't already, that he figures out that he cares for me also (if that is truly the case).  He's not a bad guy.  We've just gotten ourselves into a situation that isn't the best and I fell for him just a little too hard because I didn't guard my heart.

This is Day One of ninety (that Mr. NRN will be gone) and Day One of getting on the right path because it's what I want to do.

Here in body, not in mind...

It's been a while since I have graced the web with another one of my postings,...better late than never I say!

Lots has happened since the last posting. I met someone. Ugh! Even to me that sounds silly but it's true. I met him here at work while I was still on night crew (they moved us all to days because we're awesome and pretty much worked ourselves off of nights) and almost immediately was enthralled with him.

For the sake of keeping the innocent protected, we'll call him Mr. Not Right Now (Mr. NRN) (Not to be confused with *Jeremy. He and I have fashioned a brother/sister type relationship that consists of constant teasing and relentless joking and all of which are in a "I'm cool with you but not like that" kind of way. I am happy with that and wouldn't change it.) I was immediately attracted to him physically. He stands about 5'10" (I'm 5'8"), and has these broad shoulders that make me want to sink my teeth into them. Yep, I said that out loud. He carries himself with confidence and has a sense of humor,...and the best thing? He has manners. Yes, ladies, he still holds doors open and thinks that his side of the bed is the side closest to the door. Chivalry is not dead as I thought it was. I truly believe that I have met my match. What's the catch, you ask? Well let me tell you. He is not ready for a serious relationship. Grr.

It was finally admitted back in February that my feelings of interest are reciprocated, but that he is not ready for that next step of a relationship. Apparently the girl he was last interested in pulled a "bitch maneuver" on him and the ending result was not in my favor as I would like to have not had a man with a bleeding heart on my hands. But bleed as it does, I see through the crap and happen to know that his heart is genuinely good. He needs time to heal as we all do.

Now,...I may get some ridiculed for this, but we have a "friends with benefits" relationship. It happened one night and was mutually decided that our chemistry in that department is spot-on. That. man. sets. my. skin. on. fire. Period. It might have something to do with the immense emotional involvement on my part that I have with him, but...dang. Wow. The best part about that department of our odd relationship status is that though "fwb", we are monogamous about it. Without a doubt, he could at any point, as could I, choose to take up with someone else. We are not in a serious committed relationship and though it would sting really bad, we do have that option. I personally have no intentions of it and to this point, neither does he. I mean, I have a son that I can't just get up and leave whenever the heck I feel like it,...and though frustrating at times, he hasn't sought out other company. That was made abundantly clear to me during a minor fight we had not too long ago,...which reminds me. I HATE fighting with him. HATE IT. I felt nauseous the entire time,...and it would please me peachy if it never happened again. (It will though. We are both stubborn as all get out.)

So, another monkey wrench in the whole business. I would love nothing more that to be in a relationship with this man, and it be deeper that the one we currently have. There is something about him that sends chills down my spine (the good kind), butterflies in my stomach, melts my heart, and...makes my blood boil (again, in a good way). And all of these things do not accurately describe how I feel when he's around. And I miss him terribly when he's not. I've asked so many people over the course of my adulthood how they knew he/she was the one. They all answered the same. They just knew. No way to describe it,...you just know. Monkey wrench: he leaves on Wednesday for 90 days to go to Alaska to do some work for our company.

90 WHOLE freakin' days. That is going to suck beyond all suckiness! So I think that one of two things is about to happen. The glass is half empty part of me thinks that he will get up there and come to forget about little 'ol me even though we've had the conversation about both of us being able to wait for the other, sexually, until he gets back home. **I do not share. And I do not expect to be shared either. The two of us happen to believe in monogamy, but, we are human and I'm choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong. I am allowing myself to trust him...which is a big thing for me.** And the part of me that WANTS to believe in happy endings and positive outcomes thinks that maybe, just maybe, he'll get up there and by some stroke of a grace, he will realize that I have no intentions of harming his heart, that I'm a good woman, and actually miss me while he's gone. The whole absence makes the heart grow fonder deal.

He weighs heavily on my mind and heart daily. A constant thought process. Not in that psycho kind of way, but more a caring, hope he's doing well and maybe even thinking about me (hehe) kind of way. I've gotten myself so wrapped up in the what-if's that I've just almost made myself sick for worry over what's about to happen in the next 3 months and even beyond that, that...I can't take it anymore. I went to church yesterday (I've been absent for a number of years and have recently just started going back) and sat on the pew while a tear was jerked from my eyes and put it all in God's hands. His plan is ultimately the only one that matters so my "plan" is really insignificant. I've been praying for guidance and to learn of His will in this area of my life and the patience and strength to wait for it to unfold without sticking my two cents in and messing it up as only humanly possible. We'll see. So as I sit here at work trying to be productive but thinking of Mr. NRN, I'm here in body, not in mind.

Freak out mode...

First of all,...I have an eye infection. And it sucks. I scratched my eye somehow and the damn thing got infected. To make matters worse, my Gran gave me some antibiotic drops...I put some in my eye and went to sleep. IMAGINE my utter horror to wake up several hours later and my eye is like, damn near swollen shut!! OMG! I have to go to work! And I work with my current "interest" (this is not "Jeremy", this is someone entirely different)! How embarrassing to have to show my face like this!! I will DIE of embarassment today I'm sure of it. (I hate feeling ugly.) So, because it actually has the left side of my face feeling sore, I decide it's no longer something I can just "suck up" and decide to go to the ER. This IS my vision we're talking about... So I get there,...get a room,...and shortly thereafter the doc comes in to assess my situation. I tell him of the drops and show him what they were as I brought the container with me. he's like, "Ok, they're not my favorite but they are an antibiotic..." He leaves, and just a short while later comes back to notify me that in the system, I am listed as having an allergy to sulfa drugs (this is true). He then proceeds to tell me that the drops I put in my eye prior to going to sleep,...yeah. They are a sulfa drug. AAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!! Are you kidding me?! So I'm making my already embarrassing situation worse?!

LOL Figures. So, he prescribes me some eye drops that will NOT swell my eye shut (good grief) and sends me on my merry little way. I put the prescribed amount of those suckers in my eye just AS SOON as I got to my car. The swelling went down considerably but the redness and some discomfort are still lingering.

I work with a bunch of men. As a matter of fact, I am the only female that works here at night. I do not like to NOT look at least presentable. Tonight I am sans make-up, hair in a ponytail, and looking a slight bit more rough than I usually do. Screw it. Whatever. lol What a "mis-adventure"! hehe

Why am I here?

Well alrighty then. I feel the need for some verbal upchuck so here goes.

Recently, I landed a new job (go me!) and seem to be happier in the new workplace and with the larger sums of money that are being dirctly deposited into my account for my time and services. A fair trade it seems. Now,...those who know me and know me well, also know that I have had an extremely turbulent and painful past with members of the opposite sex. I seem to be the super-magnet for all things "asshole" and/or have a desire for things and poeple who are unattainable. You know, the whole "all the good ones are taken, married, or gay" saying.

Jeremy*, (* name has been changed for obvious reasons) is one of those guys. Married,...with a big, fat, capital "M". But this guy, in particular, is one fo those poeple that makes you wonder what would have happened if we had met prior to him meeting his wife. I'm sure she's a sweet girl and as far as she is concerned, let me make it clear that I have no intention on EVER poaching. I am just not one of those types of women. I believe marriage is sacred and should not be messed with. lol But she has a very attractive husband, good for her. haha But in hopes that I am not hated for thinking some other woman's husband is attractive, I must tell you...the coincidental things he and I have in common are strange. We are both Marines, of the former type. I got out in Feb of 2007, he got out a few years later. But we got to talking about our duty stations and places we have been,... and our tours of duty were ALL in the same places. And at one point, just before I got out, we were on the same base at the same time and never even knew it. Now, we are miles away from that last duty station where we bother were, and are working at the same place present day. One of my tasks at work is to account for man hours on the trucks. Every employee has a badge number. The numbers of his badge number coincide with the month and day that I first set my feet on the yellow footprints on Parris Island, South Carolina (home of Marine Corps Recruit Depot, Parris Island-affectionately called "P.I."). The first day of my journey in becoming a Marine. It's strange to me. So, I always wonder if God does things to open your eyes to certain things. To make you sit up and pay attention. In my usual glass is half empty way of thinking, I'm sure its just a string of strange coincidences that mean absoulutely nothing. But they are thought provoking nonetheless.

Would things be different had we met in California prior to my getting out of the Corps? Would I have stayed in and forgone a terrible marriage? Would I have carried out a longer carreer as a Marine? Is he significant to my life present day in some way? Am I here to help him through or with something or vice versa? Are we to become good friends? Is it his wife I am to become friends with? His children that my donating bone marrow will save thier lives? Or is it just coincidence? Will I donate blood and save his sister-in-law? Or is it me? Will he have a significant impact on MY life? Its hard to tell what God has in store for you until you are right up on the events that shape your life, but I always wonder about things that are THAT strangely coincidental. It brings to mind the constant and ever popular question: Why am I here?

The downside...

In the spirit of finding myself (again), I think that it's pretty evident that I am going to have to make quite a few admissions to myself. Some of which are going to be easy and thoughtless, others, not so much. Others will be full of regret, overwhelming emotion, and maybe even downright self pity. However, they must be revealed in order to really deal with the issue at it's core. Here's one:

The downside to not opening your mouth and just verbalizing what is on your mind (or in your heart) is that some opportunities may pass you by. Completely. Utterly shameful is the fact that though I, like so many others, am scared witless of rejection. It's something that I struggle with daily and thus have to live with the consequences when I give in to it. This is something about myself that I am not fond of. I stongly admire those who can live their lives without regard to what others may think of them and in doing so, know exactly who they are, where they are, and in which direction they will move next.
I did not speak my heart's truth when I was infatuated with a man several years ago. He probably had no idea I had any sort of feelings for him as I never gave him indication otherwise. Instead, I went against my better judgement and got involved with a total loser who eventually dealt me a healthy blow of infidelity in our marriage and the gift of embarassment through an unforseen divorce. (These things are in my past and that's where they should lie indeed. However, these are the kind of things that shape a person. Scars, marks, and tattoos of the heart and soul. Emotional war wounds if you will.They should never be uncounted or ignored when dealing with someone who has lived through them. They should also never be used as an excuse to keep others at an arms distance from your heart either.)

So, in evading what was really in my heart and knowing the person I chose to take up with was a scumbag, I believe it's self evident that I regret not speaking up and telling this person how I really felt about him. It did not go without consequence. Hypothetically speaking of course (as I don't know if he would have reciprocated the feelings), had I spoken my heart and he felt the same in return, even in the slightest, there would have been drastic changes in the paths that I have taken since knowing him years ago.

So, I'm left with a HUGE case of the "what if's" and though I'm no stranger to them, it's still a drag. And to compound the issue, (and this is laughable) I am moderately jealous of the people that are in his everyday life. (We live states away from each other now.) Ugh, the decisions we make. Some are just downright,...haunting. Blech.

Operation: Unveil the Skinny

Operation: Unveil the Skinny (OUTS) has officially gone underway. What is it you ask? Well, I'll tell you. It's a side note of Operation: Kick My Own Ass (OKMOA). I started this blog with the hopes and determination to find myself through writing about my past endeavors as well as those yet to come. I have completely lost myself to relationships and always being a "Yes Girl" --refer to "Don't Be That Girl" by Travis Stork; it's a good book for those of us who are emotionally not self disciplined enough to keep ahold of ourselves throughout the process of dating. But back to being a Yes Girl,... I have completely lost myself. And my goals are to try new things, rustle up old interests, and make them MY interests again.

But back to OUTS, I am tired of being fat. Like, really F-ing tired of it. I'm tired of not feeling good about myself, and the constant lack of energy, the extra weight I still have from my pregnancy,...in general I'm ready to not be this heavy anymore. Thanks to this season's crew of The Biggest Loser, I was initially inspired. Seriously. And today I got myself a membership to a gym that is a grand total of 9.1 miles round trip from my house. This gym is also open 24/7 and THAT my friends, is fan-freaking-tastic for me. (I work a grosSly jacked up schedule) So, I took myself in tonight(even though I am dead on my feet and I really wanted to go to bed instead) and did about 30 mins cardio and some leg excersizes. Nothing crazy as I yawned THE ENTIRE time I was in there. But it felt good and I'm going to do it again.

I want to feel better in my clothes, and look better to myself in the mirror. This is not about "some guy". This is about me. This is all about me. I have an inner-skinny girl just DYING to get out. I'd like to see what she looks like. It's time to begin the process and start peeling back those layers. Start to unveil.