It's been a while since I have graced the web with another one of my postings,...better late than never I say!
Lots has happened since the last posting. I met someone. Ugh! Even to me that sounds silly but it's true. I met him here at work while I was still on night crew (they moved us all to days because we're awesome and pretty much worked ourselves off of nights) and almost immediately was enthralled with him.
For the sake of keeping the innocent protected, we'll call him Mr. Not Right Now (Mr. NRN) (Not to be confused with *Jeremy. He and I have fashioned a brother/sister type relationship that consists of constant teasing and relentless joking and all of which are in a "I'm cool with you but not like that" kind of way. I am happy with that and wouldn't change it.) I was immediately attracted to him physically. He stands about 5'10" (I'm 5'8"), and has these broad shoulders that make me want to sink my teeth into them. Yep, I said that out loud. He carries himself with confidence and has a sense of humor,...and the best thing? He has manners. Yes, ladies, he still holds doors open and thinks that his side of the bed is the side closest to the door. Chivalry is not dead as I thought it was. I truly believe that I have met my match. What's the catch, you ask? Well let me tell you. He is not ready for a serious relationship. Grr.
It was finally admitted back in February that my feelings of interest are reciprocated, but that he is not ready for that next step of a relationship. Apparently the girl he was last interested in pulled a "bitch maneuver" on him and the ending result was not in my favor as I would like to have not had a man with a bleeding heart on my hands. But bleed as it does, I see through the crap and happen to know that his heart is genuinely good. He needs time to heal as we all do.
Now,...I may get some ridiculed for this, but we have a "friends with benefits" relationship. It happened one night and was mutually decided that our chemistry in that department is spot-on. That. man. sets. my. skin. on. fire. Period. It might have something to do with the immense emotional involvement on my part that I have with him, but...dang. Wow. The best part about that department of our odd relationship status is that though "fwb", we are monogamous about it. Without a doubt, he could at any point, as could I, choose to take up with someone else. We are not in a serious committed relationship and though it would sting really bad, we do have that option. I personally have no intentions of it and to this point, neither does he. I mean, I have a son that I can't just get up and leave whenever the heck I feel like it,...and though frustrating at times, he hasn't sought out other company. That was made abundantly clear to me during a minor fight we had not too long ago,...which reminds me. I HATE fighting with him. HATE IT. I felt nauseous the entire time,...and it would please me peachy if it never happened again. (It will though. We are both stubborn as all get out.)
So, another monkey wrench in the whole business. I would love nothing more that to be in a relationship with this man, and it be deeper that the one we currently have. There is something about him that sends chills down my spine (the good kind), butterflies in my stomach, melts my heart, and...makes my blood boil (again, in a good way). And all of these things do not accurately describe how I feel when he's around. And I miss him terribly when he's not. I've asked so many people over the course of my adulthood how they knew he/she was the one. They all answered the same. They just knew. No way to describe it,...you just know. Monkey wrench: he leaves on Wednesday for 90 days to go to Alaska to do some work for our company.
90 WHOLE freakin' days. That is going to suck beyond all suckiness! So I think that one of two things is about to happen. The glass is half empty part of me thinks that he will get up there and come to forget about little 'ol me even though we've had the conversation about both of us being able to wait for the other, sexually, until he gets back home. **I do not share. And I do not expect to be shared either. The two of us happen to believe in monogamy, but, we are human and I'm choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong. I am allowing myself to trust him...which is a big thing for me.** And the part of me that WANTS to believe in happy endings and positive outcomes thinks that maybe, just maybe, he'll get up there and by some stroke of a grace, he will realize that I have no intentions of harming his heart, that I'm a good woman, and actually miss me while he's gone. The whole absence makes the heart grow fonder deal.
Lots has happened since the last posting. I met someone. Ugh! Even to me that sounds silly but it's true. I met him here at work while I was still on night crew (they moved us all to days because we're awesome and pretty much worked ourselves off of nights) and almost immediately was enthralled with him.
For the sake of keeping the innocent protected, we'll call him Mr. Not Right Now (Mr. NRN) (Not to be confused with *Jeremy. He and I have fashioned a brother/sister type relationship that consists of constant teasing and relentless joking and all of which are in a "I'm cool with you but not like that" kind of way. I am happy with that and wouldn't change it.) I was immediately attracted to him physically. He stands about 5'10" (I'm 5'8"), and has these broad shoulders that make me want to sink my teeth into them. Yep, I said that out loud. He carries himself with confidence and has a sense of humor,...and the best thing? He has manners. Yes, ladies, he still holds doors open and thinks that his side of the bed is the side closest to the door. Chivalry is not dead as I thought it was. I truly believe that I have met my match. What's the catch, you ask? Well let me tell you. He is not ready for a serious relationship. Grr.
It was finally admitted back in February that my feelings of interest are reciprocated, but that he is not ready for that next step of a relationship. Apparently the girl he was last interested in pulled a "bitch maneuver" on him and the ending result was not in my favor as I would like to have not had a man with a bleeding heart on my hands. But bleed as it does, I see through the crap and happen to know that his heart is genuinely good. He needs time to heal as we all do.
Now,...I may get some ridiculed for this, but we have a "friends with benefits" relationship. It happened one night and was mutually decided that our chemistry in that department is spot-on. That. man. sets. my. skin. on. fire. Period. It might have something to do with the immense emotional involvement on my part that I have with him, but...dang. Wow. The best part about that department of our odd relationship status is that though "fwb", we are monogamous about it. Without a doubt, he could at any point, as could I, choose to take up with someone else. We are not in a serious committed relationship and though it would sting really bad, we do have that option. I personally have no intentions of it and to this point, neither does he. I mean, I have a son that I can't just get up and leave whenever the heck I feel like it,...and though frustrating at times, he hasn't sought out other company. That was made abundantly clear to me during a minor fight we had not too long ago,...which reminds me. I HATE fighting with him. HATE IT. I felt nauseous the entire time,...and it would please me peachy if it never happened again. (It will though. We are both stubborn as all get out.)
So, another monkey wrench in the whole business. I would love nothing more that to be in a relationship with this man, and it be deeper that the one we currently have. There is something about him that sends chills down my spine (the good kind), butterflies in my stomach, melts my heart, and...makes my blood boil (again, in a good way). And all of these things do not accurately describe how I feel when he's around. And I miss him terribly when he's not. I've asked so many people over the course of my adulthood how they knew he/she was the one. They all answered the same. They just knew. No way to describe it,...you just know. Monkey wrench: he leaves on Wednesday for 90 days to go to Alaska to do some work for our company.
90 WHOLE freakin' days. That is going to suck beyond all suckiness! So I think that one of two things is about to happen. The glass is half empty part of me thinks that he will get up there and come to forget about little 'ol me even though we've had the conversation about both of us being able to wait for the other, sexually, until he gets back home. **I do not share. And I do not expect to be shared either. The two of us happen to believe in monogamy, but, we are human and I'm choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt until proven wrong. I am allowing myself to trust him...which is a big thing for me.** And the part of me that WANTS to believe in happy endings and positive outcomes thinks that maybe, just maybe, he'll get up there and by some stroke of a grace, he will realize that I have no intentions of harming his heart, that I'm a good woman, and actually miss me while he's gone. The whole absence makes the heart grow fonder deal.
He weighs heavily on my mind and heart daily. A constant thought process. Not in that psycho kind of way, but more a caring, hope he's doing well and maybe even thinking about me (hehe) kind of way. I've gotten myself so wrapped up in the what-if's that I've just almost made myself sick for worry over what's about to happen in the next 3 months and even beyond that, that...I can't take it anymore. I went to church yesterday (I've been absent for a number of years and have recently just started going back) and sat on the pew while a tear was jerked from my eyes and put it all in God's hands. His plan is ultimately the only one that matters so my "plan" is really insignificant. I've been praying for guidance and to learn of His will in this area of my life and the patience and strength to wait for it to unfold without sticking my two cents in and messing it up as only humanly possible. We'll see. So as I sit here at work trying to be productive but thinking of Mr. NRN, I'm here in body, not in mind.
Sending you an email now...
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