So much...

I'd like to say that SO MUCH has happened lately and that's why I have been MIA, but alas, not true.  *Deep breath, big sigh* In truth though, there have been a few happenings...

This week I am in a different area and filling in for a girl who is on vacation. Miss Pessimistic, formerly known as Miss Planner.  We all know that we are all different and may do things differently. It's called style. My style of getting things done at work differs from hers so all I hear is that I'm gonna "fuck it all up" and that I am "overwhelmed" if I ask the same question 5 times because I forgot.  It's truthfully a lot of information and things to learn that has been thrown at me over the last couple of weeks.  Moreover, it's a lot of shit easily forgotten.  Anyway,...Miss Pessimistic is on vacation right now and the office is SO quiet.  You could hear a pin drop at any given moment. Her mouth isn't running, her kids and her husband (who also works here) aren't calling the office every five minutes, I'm not forced to listen to family drama, and it's generally peaceful.  I have time to thing about the next step I need to take in completing a task...I'm not behind.  The guys we work with seem to be much more at ease also.  I'm not barking orders at them and being a snobby, entitled bitch...men react so much better when you talk to them like human beings and treat them fairly. 

Speaking of men...

Oh holy halibut in Hades...Mr. NRN is on Texas soil again. And freaking me out!!!!!  My nerves are raw and I feel vulnerable and have no clue what is wrong with me.  (Side note: I actually made it to church this past Sunday. Monkey felt good and I was able to finally take him with me and we got to go.  Let me just say that it's helping me.  I'd been absent for quite a few weeks now and feeling emotionally, and spiritually weaker as the weeks went by.  By that, I don't mean that my faith and beliefs were becoming no more, just that I needed a boost of confidence through faith.)  So yesterday I saw him.  Yesterday I spoke to him. Yesterday I made a complete bonehead out of myself in front of him...

I had gone up to the other area that I used to work at to see Big Mac and Jeremy and was actually holding a conversation with Jeremy when all hell broke loose.  Not really, but enter anxiety attack here and we are in business. I saw him before he saw me...or maybe he saw me first and that was why he made his way over to where Jeremy and I were...I don't know.  The point is that he did not walk in the opposite direction but instead maneuvered his way around where we were and wound up planting his ass in a chair right between Jeremy and myself.  By this time my heart rate has sped up and the stress of it has spiked my blood pressure. It's hot in Texas right now and I was "glowing" somewhat already, but when I realized he was there yesterday, I could instantly feel sweat running down my back. (Gross I know but we have all been outside during a hot summer day and know what that feels like. My experience yesterday was as a direct result of some serious nerves in addition to the already miserable heat.)   He spoke first *and the clouds broke open and the sun rays shone though in glorious brilliance as the angels sang with great enthusiasm* and said "Hey there Gracie, what's going on?" or something to that effect. I was shocked stupid at the moment and it's really loud out there so some of it was lost to those effects but that was the jest of it and he actually did say my name.  He was definitely talking TO me.  So what do I say with all my wisdom and intelligence?  "I'm hot. It's freaking hot out here and I'm sweating my ass off." 

Wow.  Way to go, Gracie!!  You sounded as intelligent as a cardboard box! Woo Hoo!

He looked stunned for about a nanosecond (I would have been too!! Something like that comes out of some one's mouth when you ask them how it's been going...) but recovered and said that he wasn't hot and asked Jeremy if he was. Of course Jeremy, the bastard, agreed with Mr. NRN and I felt retarded instantly.  Buddy fucker... So I did the next intelligent thing that came to mind when the conversation came to an immediate lull...I mumbled something about catching them later and turn around and started walking toward my original destination.  Nice.

Much to my horror, later that day my phone pocket dials his number.  It's been 3 MONTHS since this has last occurred. 3 whole months. And now my phone wants to start acting stupid again?!  WTF?! Is there some sort of "Let's embarrass the ever livin' shit out of Gracie" conspiracy or something?  Holy green eggs and sausage shoe laces!  Well, at least I know how I'm going to die.  FROM EMBARRASSMENT!!!  *sigh*

I can't believe I am so emotional over this.  Might have something to do with the fact that I poured my heart and soul out onto a silver platter and served it up through a text message that basically explained that the reason I told him I couldn't have...relations...with him anymore (without a relationship being involved) was not because I wanted to go find something else to occupy my time, but that I didn't want to wake up one morning in love with a man that I couldn't have.  That and run the very real risk of him not returning that love.  That was the jest of that text and I didn't hear back from him after that until I was met with a face-to-face just yesterday.  Instantly panic stricken, I'm telling you.  Just awful.  No suave and graceful handling of THAT encounter.  Just fumbling, stumbling, and utter horror.  Way. To. Go.

We'll see how this goes from here on out. But, I'm not expecting it to go well...  So much for handling it well.

Ciao.