Lost in the Sauce

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written. I have such a heavy load right now that I don't even know where to start. I feel heavy. Physically and mentally. I ate almost an entire bag of Zapp's BBQ kettle style chips today as I sat in front on my computer wandering aimlessly in the abyss that is the WWW. More specifically, Facebook. It helped nothing.

My cousin is walking and losing weight and I am so happy for her. She's been well over 300 lbs for a very long time and thus far, she has shed 50 of it. Even as heavy as she still is, she looks great. She has found the motivation that I desperately need and crave every day. I feel helpless and out of control right now and borderline nuts half the time.

I hate my job. I know, I know. I'm lucky to have one...  But seriously? I hate my job. I dread getting out of bed on days that I have to work and have absolutely zero passion for anything about it. Yet, I have no idea what to do or where to even start to find the true root of my miserable existence in the work force. I don't really know what I want to do and in all honesty, have no idea what I would be good at or like to do. This is a HUGE problemo. And it stresses me daily.

I currently have a boyfriend, though may not for very much longer. Today, I realized that though he may care for me, we are not on the same page. And I'm tired of constantly being disappointed and in a consistent manner. I don't think he's the one. Not anymore at least.  That saddens me. Greatly. I really liked him a lot. On some level, loved him. But I can walk away and be done. I just hate that feeling of one more failure. A close friend told me that it's not I who has failed but rather that I have, again, dealt with someone who has failed me and that I cannot change someone who doesn't want to be changed. She's right. Plain and simple. Ugh. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I'm just...done. I'm done with it.


Also, Baby Daddy said he wants to give up his rights. That is both good and bad. Good because if it happens, I'll likely not have to deal with his fucking dumb ass for a long time. Bad because even though it's never been about the money, I will likely no longer receive child support. That is not my money. It's Monkey's. And it has ALWAYS gone towards daycare expenses...since that's about all it pays for. Anything left over, which is pocket change, is always just left int he account. I'm not one of those parents who uses their child's support funds to get her nails done or some other frivolous spend. That's Monkey's money. It goes towards his welfare. I just happen to use it to pay for his daycare. If BD isn't held financially responsible any longer, that's a big bill coming my way that is very abrupt and very regular.  That's about to strap me tighter than a gnat's ass over a rain barrel...

I'm stressed and hating it. I'm unhappy and hating that even more so. I don't know where to start. I don't know where the yellow brick road is to take that first step into the spiral.

When it all comes down...

When it all comes down to it, Gracie remains. I don't have time to be outwardly depressed. Not getting out of bed for a few days while I mourn the lack of a significant other is not an option. I have a child (who can put a smile on my face even when I am in the darkest of moods) that depends on me to not lose my job. He doesn't know it, but he depends on that.  Otherwise, I would lose my car. He'd have no where to go bye-bye to if Mommy can't drive us there. I'd have no money to get him fun things and diapers...I mean...I just do not have time to lay around and be depressed.

But some days, I'd like to.

Like today.

I go through phases where being single is just the greatest thing since sliced bread. During those times, I don't feel the weight of the romantic world staring me in the face. I don't feel green with envy of all my girlfriends who have found good men to share their lives with. I don't constantly look at people I meet everyday like "Are you him?".

Then there are times like this week that it just seems like love is in the air for everyone else but I feel like I'm gasping for just half a lungful of that air without any luck. There is no worse feeling than the feeling of loneliness.  Of climbing in your bed alone, again, and there isn't a warm person to snuggle up to. Riding in the car and there's no navigator sitting in you passenger seat, or a pilot driving you to where you want to go. You know. Your other half.

Some of my girlfriends have married some fantastic men. The kind of men that just...get it and have no qualms about entertaining the silliness of their wives just for the sake of seeing her smile. They love their wives with just enough ferocity to be completely normal without being possessive. I can't say that I have EVER felt completely comfortable with a significant other. I've always been nervous about something.  Is he going to cheat? Does he like my family? Does my family like him?  Is he good for Monkey? (Because we all know that if he's no good for Monkey, he sure as hell won't be good for me.)

I've decided to submerge myself into school and not come up for said air until I have a degree in something. Maybe if I'm too busy with work, Monkey and school, I won't have time to think about much of anything else...

Her.

The story, in her words, can be found here.

But let me tell you a little something about Mrs. Adventure...

If I were to ever win a trip to Europe, she'd be my pick to go over the pond with me.

If I get too down on myself and need a virtual slap in the face "get a hold of your self woman" moment, she is who I call.

When I get my heart broken and need to be reminded of just WHO I am and the degree of my inner strength, she gets those calls, too.

When I want to strangle my co-workers...she gets the fuming and irrational emails.

For as long as I was married to her ex-husband, I was told lies about her and led to believe she was Satan's mistress with a hot red poker for a pitch fork. And when I reached out to her during my divorce, she found it in her heart to love me anyway. Well, the sisterly love part didn't come until we realized JUST how much a like we are and in how many ways...but she didn't shut me out when I was hurting.  (**We even tried to talk to wife #3 and help her understand who she was really married to when the dumb bimbo reached out to US!!  Too bad she's as stupid as she is. He's already cheated on her once, while she was pregnant might I add. But she insulted Mrs. Adventure and got stupid with me too so she can't be a part of our "First Wives Club". LMAO!!! Bimbo is still married to him...idiot.) 

And since, she and I have become closer as friends. She knows how much I really weigh and what my real pants size is. She knows exactly what will push  my buttons and just how much crap I'm going to take before spewing forth hate and discontent. She also knows that I'm tenderhearted and am emotionally hurt very easily.  And just as a best friend should, she knows how to make me laugh so hard that liquid threatens to come out of my nose.

You know that friend that would flatten any jerk who hurt your heart, allow your child to help her make granola bars to keep him busy as you take a quick shower, would stay up all night to let you in when you finally got done driving down for a visit (even though she's ALSO been up all day) and meet you at the door with a glass of freshly poured wine.

That's her.

That's my best friend.

Not gonna happen

You are probably wondering what happened with Mr. Geek Squad. Well, I was disappointed. I was disappointed in several things but the first thing I realized when I first saw him was that he had not had a haircut in like, a month or two, I swear.  I'm still not down to my ideal weight. But I do not allow that to be an excuse or a crutch to not take care of myself.  Before this trip, I made the effort to have my hair done again, my eyebrows waxed, clean clothes to travel with, etc.  I wore makeup most of the time. I didn't do these things for anyone but MYSELF. Keeping up with my outward appearance is important to me. Even my weight though it's a little more difficult due to time constraints...  I do things to make myself feel better and more presentable. It was apparent that he cares not for his own appearance. Otherwise, I believe he would have at least gotten himself a haircut. It always makes a difference.

The second thing I noticed was that he had gained weight. (We all have our reasons for gaining weight. Mine was pregnancy. I was healthy before I became pregnant and with being a single mom, it's difficult for me to find time to exercise, but I do. It might not be everyday, but I find ways to if not be able to lose my weight, to maintain it and not gain more. It's the least I can do for myself.) Now, I know for a fact that he JUST left a job that left him with an abundance of free time. Why wasn't he using that time to focus on himself and to make himself healthy again? To make himself feel better (since he more than once commented on his own weight so I know he is conscious of it)? The truth lies in the fact that he plays computer games all night and neglects sleep on some occasions. He also is less conscious of what he eats. Example... We (Mr. Geek Squad, BFF, myself, BFF's kiddos, and Monkey) all went to the children's museum in New Orleans. Prior to that, we ate at the WWII museum's restaurant "The American Sector". We each ordered sandwiches. These things came out in seriously large portions. There was also an appetizer in which I chose to only slightly partake in. After our meal, I was stuffed. I had a few of the homemade chips that came with my sandwich and half of my sandwich. I boxed the rest up and took it to go. He ate on the appetizer, his whole sandwich (a shrimp po'boy), 2 beers I think, and also had a vanilla milkshake, to go.  I'm sure he was playing when he said it but he made the comment that we (BFF and I) were "lightweights".  Um, no. So I told him that just because we weren't being pigs didn't mean that we were "lightweights" and he told me I was rude. Yeah. Ok. Truth hurt a little?    And it wasn't just this incident. There were a few. He chose to sit at BFF's house playing Angry Birds on his Xoom and later told me that he felt ignored. WTF?  I don't have the time to sit around and play video games all the time. And even if I did, I doubt that is what I would choose to do.

Before we headed into the city, he had asked me if I wanted him to drive. I don't remember saying it but I won't deny saying it either, but apparently my answer was "duh?"  And I probably DID say that...right before I got to thinking that this person likes to do in excess of 120 mph in his Honda Civic going to and from work, etc. I am lead from the knee down on the right side. I speed. However. I do not top out at 140 or whatever. And I doubt that I would...even if "my car was made to go that fast".  Then put it on a freaking closed circuit track and do your excessive speeds where the only person you are going to KILL when (not if) you loose control of that car is YOU! Even the trained and "been doing it their entire lives" race car drivers wreck. It's not if, it's when.  So, we go outside and it's friggin' hot and muggy. I start loading Monkey into the Xterra, and he starts asking me what I'm doing. Logic says, the car seat is in the Xterra. It wasn't moved. And it's too damn hot out here to be moving it 3 minutes before I pull out of the driveway. So I told him I was driving and he starts pitching a fit about me telling him I wanted him to drive and now all of a sudden I'm driving and blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Get in the truck and let's go. We went over to BFF's house and I had intended originally for him to drive from there into the city but when he pitched his fit, "I just don't understand why we can't take the HHR." (Again, the car seat issue... Let's think about this.)  Also, I don't like his HHR. Not because it's his but because it sits lower to the ground than my Xterra does. No offense to those of you who have cars, but I don't like feeling like my ass is dragging on the asphalt. Personal preference. Not to mention, have you ever really looked at an HHR? They're shaped like a hearse!!!!!!  No thank you!!!!!!


Another thing that I just can't swallow is that he does not believe in God. He has some sort of "theological" view point to where he has to be proven there is such a being. Whatever. Not my cup of tea. Some things fall under seeing is believing. Faith falls under believing is seeing. I care not to argue this point with him or anyone else for that matter. We all have our beliefs but that doesn't mean I have to endure his.  I don't know. It's partially my fault for allowing the "what if we get back together" conversations as to HIS disappointment in my visit. I just don't think that a physical relationship (there wasn't one) is enough, with such major differences in opposition, is enough to keep something meaningful alive. Not just between he and I, but between anyone seeking such. I don't need the stress and just won't deal with it.

Another rambler from Gracie

It's been quite some time since I've put thoughts down and it's time I do so again.

First, I would like to express my complete and utter satisfaction in finding that Blogger has an app in the Android Market. And you guessed it! It has been downloaded and installed and will hopefully be a tool in my blogger's belt in terms of not needing a laptop or desktop in order to spit some blog. Let's cross our fingers, shall we?

Speaking of apps, I also downloaded a weight loss tracker type app called Noom. For me, as in all things, it helps to SEE the numbers, SEE the progress, SEE the fact that what I eat is being accounted for and that my ass needs to lay off the bad stuff.  You see, recently I took a trip to NOLA and made my decision then and there to start making the change to a better and healthier lifestyle. (I allowed myself the pleasures of what my taste buds craved while in the Crescent City, though made attempts to keep my portions under control. I won some of those battles and I lost some of those battles.) The important thing is that I came home and have made more conscious decisions as to what I put in my body. It's going to be a long road, but my goal is to lose 46 lbs in 52 weeks (one year).  I'll keep you updated on the "46 in 52". Another part of this journey is not being so damned lazy all the time. For Pete's sake I was a Marine for 5 years and have been known to kick ass and take names with a prejudice!  I miss her and didn't know how much I loved her at the time and I WANT HER BACK!!! 

I love to cook. Always have. I like taking individual ingredients and making one finished product. I build my spaghetti sauce. It's part of the fun!  So last night, with the help of Fabulicious and Skinny Italian, both written by Teresa Giudice (Real Housewives of New Jersey...love her. I should probably go ahead and proclaim my love for that show here and now. LOL), I made a homemade pizza. FROM SCRATCH!!  Dough and all (except the sauce...I cheated to save time).    So, with that being said, I'm going to make more of an effort to cook and eat healthier meals and snacks. I think packing a lunch from home is also key to eating more healthy and is a much easier option since it's right there at home. I am a fast food junkie. And it's got to stop.

BFF and I got a chance to spend some time together during NOLA: Round 2.  I got to meet her new squeeze and must say that he deserves mention. Very much a strong alpha male and will be a great role model for BFF's son. Educated, successful, independent (read: stands on his own two feet), quick wit... LOL. I know that sounds like I am pining for him myself but this is not the case. I had the opportunity to be left alone with him while BFF ran to the grocery store and was able to talk to him candidly about BFF and was pleased with what he had to say. He is THE polar opposite of the scumbag she was married to and has placed a smile on BFF's face the likes in which no one has seen in YEARS. I hope he sticks around and wish them nothing but happiness and the best in their endeavors. Now, with that being said, he will have to answer to me and my Louisville Slugger in the event that he goes above and beyond to break her heart or harm her in anyway. ...Jus' sayin'.

I tried to upload some pictures but I'm going to have to have a talk with my computer about it's un-willingness to cooperate with me this morning. I wonder if I spill some coffee on it if it will work... Hmm.  I like caffeine in the morning.

You're kidding me...right?

In case any of you are wondering whatever happened to Mr. History...I did hear back from him. It was in the form of an email that went a little something like this...

"Well in lieu of calling you in the middle of the evening when I'm sure you are busy; I have decided to write to you about things, what happened, and offer my sincere apology for my actions, or inaction.  With all of that said I will get straight to the point of things and try my best to make all of this make sense, it has taken me some time to work through all of this on my own an make a decision as to how I would handle this and respond to you.

I understand that I somewhat, well did, just fall off of the face of the earth. First, let me say, that my behavior is not indicative of how I am as a person, not then and not now. I simply came across things that made me think about things with you.  I must admit that through all of the time that we have spent apart and the short amount of time that we got to spend together- I became very overwhelmed by everything.  There was a large part of me that was happy that things had just come together, and i rode that wave for a while and then reality began to sink in for me.

My reality is that I am 32 years old, I am working on my degree, I have no kids and I'm not sure that I am ready for the responsibility of engaging in a relationship with a woman with children.  It is in no way a reflection on you as a person or as the person I knew then and know today.  I still think that you are an awesome person, this isn't about you-it's about me.  I was married to a woman for 4 years, an we were together for 6 years.  In that 6 years I became very attached to her son, then one day She just took it all away from me.  I will admit that our relationship could have been better and there are things that I should have done differently, but as we all know we can't look back on the past because it does not change.  After that I dated some and was very open to the.  idea of dating a woman with children, but I'm just not so sure about it. 

I have been struggling mightily with the choices and decisions that I have had in front of me.  I know that relationship wise, the both of us have chemistry.  There is no question in my mind about that.  I am also not implying that I think you are looking for a dad for your son, because I know you are head strong and I know that you wouldn't do that.  The problem that I run into is my own thought that I would try to assume a role that I might not be ready for, it is so difficult for me to put into words what I'm trying to express here. 

I wish, very much so, that I would have handled everything in a totally different way but I just really didn't know what to say in any way-it troubled me but I should have taken a different road.  Between that and the stresses of school, work and just living I really have had about a million things going through my mind all at once.  Anyway I hope that your doing okay and I hope that you can maybe get the drift of the direction I was trying to go with this message.

TTYL"

I really don't even know where to begin with this one...  Chemistry or not, I have no desire to continue being ignored or treated as though I have the plague. Yes, he should have chosen his path a little more carefully. Do I accept his apology? Sure. Is it likely he will ever talk to me again. Nope. Basically what he told me in this email, whether you see it or not, is that he is so busy in his life. That's cool. Whatever. But to tell me in no uncertain terms that I will pay for his ex-wife's actions and that he is too chicken shit to give someone else a chance...by all means sir. Keep walking. I have no use for a man like that in my life. That's what I got out of this email. What say you?

NOLA: Round 2

It looks like I'm going back to NOLA (New Orleans, Louisiana) for another Memorial Day weekend!  I'm kind of a little more than excited about that for more than a couple reasons. LOL

I have someone new to introduce to you. His name is Mr. Geek Squad. And with his introduction... I have NO CLUE where to begin...

It's been many years since I was in high school (I graduated in '99) and even longer since I first met Mr. Geek Squad but nevertheless, he has been an integral part of my life. He was my very first boyfriend. 

I was 16 when we started dating, and a junior in high school. He was 17 (we are 5 month apart in age), a senior, and just about as wild as they got. Well,...maybe not THAT wild, but he wasn't chess player calm either. He drove a purple Ford Ranger, with limo tint on the windows and was fairly popular with the girls at our school because he had a charming side to him that would have a nun sweating in her knickers, easy. I'm not going to make any bones about the fact that I have a jealous streak a mile wide and twice as long as the Mississippi. It very rarely interferes with my relationships as I keep a tight leash on it, but let me tell you...it drove me freaking NUTS the fact that so many girls felt the need to flirt with him and he'd obliged them by flirting back. That being said, I loved him to pieces. As much as a 16-17 year old high school girl can love her boyfriend, I did.

How long were we together, you ask? LOL  I can't remember dates exactly but I think a whopping six months it was. Hey! In high school time, that's a long relationship!! But that was probably 6 of the most fun months of my life. There was a group of us that were fairly tight and it always seemed like we were going and doing something. Always busy. He said he remembers our relationship was like a rollercoaster. Just really fast paced. I concur. But within that six-ish months, he served as a first of many things for me. He was my first real date. The first hand I held in the hallways. The first ride to school that wasn't a girlfriend, the first flowers, the first jewelry. (He gave me a pair of diamond studs for my 17th birthday. That was in 1997. In 2006, they were stolen from me while I was gone on a det to Korea while I was deployed to Japan. I cried real tears because of that. To this day it bothers me.) He was my first love. So he's always been special, just not always liked. 

When he broke up with me, there was another girl soon to follow in my footsteps. We'll call her Skank Numero Uno, but S#1 for short.  She never realized it because she was too stupid, but he would realize some day that I left big shoes to fill and that she was in no way capable of filling them. In. NO. Way.  They broke up after a while...and due to some deceptive measures on her part, they had a child together.

He was the first to break my heart, also. And due to this, I did not speak to him for a great many years. He went on to get married (not to S#1---Thank God), and divorced.  Received heartbreak to rival some of my own. I don't remember it well, but he reminded me of a few years back of when he had tried to get ahold of me on MySpace. (I know right. MySpace? LOL Hey, we all did it...Haha!)  Apparently he had sent me a message and I returned one to him that told him, in no uncertain terms, to go f**k himself. It sounded like something I might have told him a few years back, but like I said, I only vaguely remember it. He said he was upset by it, but that he knew he deserved it. Be that as it may, I still apologized for it.

NOLA: Round 2 will be underway starting May 26th. I will be driving with Monkey to Mr. Geek Squad's mom's house. Mama Bear always did like me and recently has been just as excited about me coming down as Mr. Geek Squad and I have been. Insert warm fuzzies here. 

I'm about as nervous as a whore in church about the trip but at the same time, at complete peace with it. Since I've been in contact with him, it's become apparent why he and I were so good together in high school. Despite our breaking up due to his being a teenage boy and interested in other things rather than being a steady boyfriend, there is absolutley no denying that our personalities were on par. We didn't fight. I can't remember fighting with him once. We just, clicked. There were quite a few other girls who were just as jealous of me as I was of them. They couldn't come close though. They tried. But they were never me. He knows it.  I believe that my nerves may have something to do with realizing that he has changed a bit in the last 11 or so years.



That's not really him but I thought it was an appropriate picture...hehe. 



Mr. Geek Squad used to love the attention of every girl in the room. Somehow it sank in that that is WAY more trouble than it's worth and seems to be happy with just one girls attention. At the moment, she would be me. I've noticed he's become more of a private person...not so needy of other people's attention.  And even though my dad wasn't impressed with him as a young punk kid and I'm sure he thought Mr. Geek Squad wasn't going to amount to much, he went on to become a Computer Networking Engineer. 

The name comes from his request that I look up prices on iPads at Best Buy while he was in a training seminar...in Louisiana. We all know I live in Texas. So here I am, looking up the sales and specials for a store in New Orleans...while sitting in Texas. Really? LOL  So, the alias was born.

I am BEYOND ecstatic to take Monkey on another adventure and this time to get to see Mama Bear and Mr. Geek Squad...we're even pretty sure his dad, Papa Bear, will be around and not out on the boat!  I haven't seen them in years!!! Gonna be so much fun!!!

Is it May yet?!