Emotional, aren't we?

So, yesterday, while on the phone with Mr. History, I was making desperate attempts at trying to verbally put into words just how thankful I am. You see, when the email happened, I slammed that door shut. I slammed it so hard the foundation shook and with every deadbolt sent home, the windows continued to rattle. And while I was stewing (read: pouting like a child), my nerves began to relax thus making room for intelligent thought processes. As I've told you before, the light bulb went on, things made sense, and I couldn't flip those deadbolts away fast enough. Here's where I get to the thankful part...I am thankful that when I opened that door I'd slammed shut, he was still standing there on the other side. If I could describe it to a cartoonist, I'd imagine his facial expression when I opened the door would be something like, "Emotional, aren't we? Are you done yet?"  LOL    Even when I speak to him on the phone, he's always very calm and collected. In fact, I can't imagine him being otherwise.

I was also making self look like ass when I was trying to tell him that it feels different for me this time. I'm just sitting on go with him. It was overwhelming to hear from someone that they had been looking for you for 9 years. For those 9 years that he had been looking for me, my personal life was riddled with heart break, heart ache, and what amounted to a very broken woman left in the wake. I can't help but wonder (even though he says it does no good...of course it does no good but more on that in a second) if I had just stayed when he asked me, where we would be right now. But with that being said, I didn't stay and as he put it while we were on the phone, my leaving had dire consequences. In a sense, it did. We've both been thrown through he ringer by members of the opposite sex...yet, I wouldn't tell him that I regret my decision because I don't.  Had I not been treated so poorly over the last decade, I don't think I'd appreciate a good man to the fullest extent. I believe him to be a good man, however, we'll just have to wait and see how this pans out.

In other news, today I take the last of 4 exams in my American Gov't class. I wish I could tell you that I feel confident but alas. The good part? This class will be over and I will have more credits under my belt. I will climb the ladder of success one rung at a time if I have to in order to make it to the top...but I'll get there.

Monkey is doing great. He's so big and super smart....so far staying healthy too. BD will not be allowed to terminate his rights because there isn't anyone on my side, such as a husband, to adopt him. So, since he doesn't want to be around anyway, I would agree to lower his child support indefinitely and carry Monkey on my insurance if he agreed to no contact/no visitation and his permission to change Monkey's last name to mine. It's quite sick, on his part, but for a significantly lower amount per month, he has agreed to not be a part of his child's life. There is no way in frosted hell that I would EVER have agreed to anything like that. No way in hell. Shows how stupid, irresponsible, cowardly, and financially motivated he is. On one hand, I feel as though this is a victory. Someone who I didn't trust will never be able to just show up and take Monkey from me. He made himself a stranger to his own child and I felt beyond frantic when he would suggest picking Monkey up and taking him two hours from his entire life here with us...just so he could impress his girlfriend. But I know there are emotionally dark days ahead when Monkey has to learn the truth. My goal is to hopefully be able to raise him to think that what his father has done is irresponsible, is not condoned, nor should it be glamorized or glorified. I took legal action  in his best interests, and BD was given every opportunity to straighten up and be a part of Monkey's life. He chose not to be. So...it's my job, as his mother and someone who loves him regardless of how much is left of my paycheck, to make the best of what cards have been dealt and try to give him a fulfilling life.  :)

Christmas is coming up. Monkey is going to make out like a little bandit! LOL  I still have shopping to do. Not excited about it because I have NO idea what to get my mom, Granny, Grandma, or my sister.  Sis has been wanting a Nook for quite some time and the price dropped some since last year. They're still $200 but she's my sis and she's worth the price tag. She'll be my big receipt this year. Next year it will be someone elses turn. :)  That leaves mom, Gran, and Grandma.  Any ideas???

History Lesson

Ok. Well...Now that I have this post started I am at a loss as to how it needs to begin. Every story deserves to be told. And all the characters in it deserve to be mentioned. As many chapters in my life have been opened and closed, sealed up and almost forgotten, one has always remained open. Some of you may remember my mentioning Mr. History in some of my previous posts.  Mr. History isn't so "history " anymore. I know. I have some explaining to do.

 After THE email, I was furious and in my anger I found consolation in just slamming the door closed and being a raging hot head. For those of you who don't know, this tends to be my weakness AND my strength. The whole time I was upset with him, it was partially my fault. Partially. I had been so wrapped up in my high expectations for a relationship and his words that I failed to touch down on Earth's surface. You know...where reality is?  He came to the house and met family. They liked him. He fit right in like he'd been there thousands of times. It just felt...perfect. 

Until that stupid cow, Reality, set in and the email happened. When I read it, I was disappointed. I was so heartbroken that I really didn't care to read it with understanding about what he was REALLY saying. Now that I'm in school in addition to working full time on top of  being a mommy to a little guy, I understand how stressful it can be. It gets hard and adding a relationship (and we all know how much work those can be), wasn't something he could handle. I still have mixed feelings about the ex-wife story. I'm not looking for a man to be my son's dad. (At least he knew that) What I'm looking for is a man who WANTS to be a part of OUR lives. I suppose in a way I am looking for a dad for Monkey...but not in the way that some women do. I'm not going to force my child upon any man and expect him to pick up the reins and do a great job. I'm looking for a man who WANTS to be a dad to him. Wants to pick up the reins and be a good role model and father figure. A strong man with good morals. I'll never ask a man to do this. It will be something he does on his own in the comfort of our own relationship. I'm rambling. The point is, I, we, have discussed THE email and my response to it and we are past it. Water under the bridge.

There is something you should know about Mr. History and I. Prior to leaving for the Marines in 2002, we had a phone conversation that HE remembers vividly. He could tell you what he was wearing, where he was sitting, and what we were talking about in great detail. He was asking me to stay. He wanted me to stay in Texas and find out what was between us. I left anyway. We were young, I felt stuck in life, I had to go spread my wings. And for a long time after that last conversation, I didn't think about anything I'd left behind. It was several months into my enlistment, as I was racked with home-sickness, that I heard his voice. Not like "this chick is crazy in the head" kind of hearing it, but I could imagine his voice...the way it sounded. The way he said his words. And I missed him.  Every now and then I'd wonder what he was doing and how his life was. And I'd keep moving through my own. 

One day, someone introduced me to MySpace. I looked for him a few times, to no avail. I gave it up for the time being.  Another friend later introduced me to Facebook. I looked a few times and after several attempts (because he's the only person I've ever met with his last name), there he was. And he was married. And as much as I wanted to send him a message and tell him that I was still alive and what my where abouts were, I was NOT about to be the woman who pops up unexpectedly and makes waves in someones marriage. So I left it alone. I left him alone.

Years later, after my divorce and Monkey's coming into the world, I made an attempt with eHarmony. My initial and only bout with eH produced little and no interaction with the opposite sex. What interaction I did have with men was nothing short of disappointing. Something was ALWAYS wrong with them. They only wanted a sexual relationship, or they were too wrapped up in their current drama, I wasn't their type, they weren't mine...it was always something. Until one day, Mr. History's profile hit mine. He looked familiar. He was in the general area that I had last known him to be...so I contacted him. It really was him. And I was utterly shocked to find out that he had been looking for me for the last nine years and that I was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. He was divorced, no children (which surprised me) and was about an hour north of me.

Conversation with us is never boring. Even he says neither of us knows how to be quiet. He's right.  I don't know how to describe how I feel right now. He says I'm very articulate...but I'm at a loss. I called him on the way home the other day just so I could listen to him talk. We had a fairly long conversation but admittedly, I couldn't tell you exactly what we talked about. Truth be known, he had completely relaxed my mind. His first sentence was like stepping into a warm shower on a cold and rainy day. It's just comforting and warm. I just wanted to listen to him. And that I did.   We used to dispatch...I in one city, he in another. In fact, that's how we met...through a mutual friend who was also a dispatcher.  I would listen to his channel when mine was quiet. I hated nights that I was working and he wasn't.

His voice isn't the only thing that I'm attracted to but it was the first thing, and in all the years that we haven't spoken while I was away and in the past few that we weren't speaking, I missed it. I have to consciously make an effort to pay attention to exactly what it is that he's saying...not because what he has to say isn't interesting. It is. He's very intelligent. It's just so comforting to me. I know that sounds ridiculous, and maybe it is, but it's the truth.  His intelligence is yet another thing that is so attractive.

Anyway, I could go on for hours with my rambling. So here we are. I'm leaving it up to him to set and date and time for a dinner date. If he knows what's good for him though, he won't keep me waiting. LOL  *wink* I am excited to see him. I loved his company before and I can't wait to enjoy it again.  Another chapter in my story, or just another blog? Let's see what path he decides to take, shall we?