An early morning indication...

The following is an email conversation with Anastasia Beaverhausen...I knew she would relate to my pain being in a peculiar office situation herself.

 

**DISCLAIMER:  THE NAMES AND PLACES HAVE BEEN IMPROVISED AND AD-LIBBED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT...NAMELY, MONKEY.**

 

SUBJECT: Worst Mood EVER!!!!

 

Today I woke up, having not had my texts to Mr. Virginia answered yet again (and we ALL know that texts from me that go unanswered fucking infuriate me), and to my son kicking his feet...against the back of my head. So, "worst mood EVER" is a slight understatement at the moment. And to top it all off, I know me well enough to know that I don't need to be around other people when I am like this...at the risk of much ruckus, pandemonium, confusion and arterial spray.  So I get to work and one of the first things I am drug into, kicking and screaming I say, was our daily morning...

 

*IF THAT M-FING PHONE DOES NOT STOP RINGING OFF THE F-ING HOOK I MAY BE FORCED TO GO ON A KITTEN KILLING SPREE!!!!!!!!!******

 

 

safety meeting in which I was told to print out a roster so that those who wanted to sign up for possible selection to go to HAWAII, yes HAWAII, could sign their name. So of course, this immediately tells me that these vultures are going to invade my office (meaning I will be in close proximity to other humans) and that they will likely be loud, obnoxious, and in desperate need of my hand against the side of their heads, swung with just enough force to sting their cheeks and leave "I-dared-enter-the-belly-of-the-beast-this-morning" redness. Proof they were spared to tell the tale and spread an enthusiastic warning to tread lightly.

 

Hawaii. A place that I could care less if they went because I don't get to go. I'm a clerk...and they are not taking any clerks. They're also not taking any clerks on the Alaska trip. So...my care meter does not register their excitement. 

 

Then I get a text from Mr.Virginia that says his phone has been effing up and I'm like, so not dealing with this right now. I have a mountain of shit on my desk to do and I'll dive into that for a while only to surface when I feel better about my productivity, thus feeling less like a homicidal maniac.

 

And this was her reply in TRUE Beav form:

 

WOW!  So I guess the small order of French fries comfort food did not quell the need for mass destruction, arterial spray, and possible zombie apocalypse.  Tell Monkey he is officially grounded for being so rude as to kick you in the back of the head.  Close your door and kick all vultures out of your office immediately.  If I hear that there are zombies starting to roam around {my place of employment} I will take cover and grab my baseball bat.  I'm sorry you're in a epically worst mood ever.  If you need someone to bail you out of jail just leave me access to your bank account (since {name of our financial institution} rocks our socks) and I'll make sure to cover the fact you were in the clink at all. 

The conversations we have are, without doubt, the highlight of my day at times. Seriously. Who could NOT smile and giggle a little after reading that?!  Crisis averted. The vultures will live another day.

In other news, I purchased this GORGEOUS Starbucks Sakura Cherry Blossom mug from last years line (and never available for purchase in American Starbucks stores...it's a sore subject for me) yesterday and am giddy beyond all comprehension for it to arrive and be in my hot little hands!!!!!

For those of you who do not know, I have a soft spot for coffee mugs...an even softer spot for gorgeous or "special" Starbucks mugs, and a straight up mushy spot for the one above. CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

That is all.

Not interested?

Or at least it would seem so. Lately, Mr. History has been MIA...literally. Right before Christmas, he calls me after having not heard a peep from him for a while, and we embark on a conversation that is of a very personal nature. I'll not tell you the contents or it's subject matter out of respect for him, but just know that it was not the kind of conversation that you would have with someone unless you very much trusted that person. It was a random phone call (which was great because in lieu of texting, he went straight to calling), with an even more random subject, a few more texts over the next day or so...and then POOF! Gone again. Now, this has become his MO as of late. I'm losing that "shiny new penny" feeling of special-ness. He's very sporadic. And VERY hard to read.  Case in point: I don't hear from him for a while and then I got a text from him telling me Happy New Year in which he used a nickname for me. People rarely use a nickname for me unless they are family or friends so close that they SHOULD be family. But just as quickly as he re-emerged, he was gone again.  *sigh* I'm not really sure what to think at this point. This has been on the coat tails of yet another weekend he had mentioned something about coming to see me...and didn't. The Beav has said Mr. History needs to get his shit together...I'm leaning towards agreement with her.  We both start back up with school (and me taking on more than I have in the past) in less than two weeks. Time is wasting.  Smh. I dunno.

Anywho...

Christmas was great. Spent time with family, Monkey made out like a little bandit... It was just a good holiday in general. Maybe next year, Monkey and I will have someone special to share it with. Until then, 2012 needs to be a landmark year.  I've begun using my Noom app again and wondering how I'm going to stick to under 2K calories a day...Look at how many calories is in a Whopper. Guess what Gracie would LOVE to have right now. A big, fat, juicy Texas Whopper. And it's not gonna happen. F@#*%! :(  <--- Sad faced Gracie.  I've made no resolutions. In fact, I'm tired of making resolutions just so I can feel like a complete failure for the 12 months that I don't accomplish anything. Why? Just because "it's the thing to do"? No thanks. I'll just watch my caloric intake and do activities that are fun and resemble exercise when I can.  I've also reduced my "weight to lose" goal to a much  less scarier number. I'm going to start with 10 pounds. At 10 pounds lost, I'll reassess and set another goal. Baby steps. As Bethenny Frankel puts it, "do what you can, when you can". 

Monkey will be three this year. I will be 32 towards the end of the year in the fall. I'm looking at possibly being laid off this year as cuts in Defense are made and the downsize starts hitting closer to home...but I want this year to be something I survive because it's who I am. I want to reclaim this life I live and just get back to being me. I'm so far off the mark and I've lost most of my self control. If nothing else, I want my sense of self discipline back. I want to be proud of me again. But as I've said, no resolutions. None at all. Just one day at a time. One step at a time. This year, I'll make another attempt at Finding Gracie. Who knows what else I'll find along the way!!

Emotional, aren't we?

So, yesterday, while on the phone with Mr. History, I was making desperate attempts at trying to verbally put into words just how thankful I am. You see, when the email happened, I slammed that door shut. I slammed it so hard the foundation shook and with every deadbolt sent home, the windows continued to rattle. And while I was stewing (read: pouting like a child), my nerves began to relax thus making room for intelligent thought processes. As I've told you before, the light bulb went on, things made sense, and I couldn't flip those deadbolts away fast enough. Here's where I get to the thankful part...I am thankful that when I opened that door I'd slammed shut, he was still standing there on the other side. If I could describe it to a cartoonist, I'd imagine his facial expression when I opened the door would be something like, "Emotional, aren't we? Are you done yet?"  LOL    Even when I speak to him on the phone, he's always very calm and collected. In fact, I can't imagine him being otherwise.

I was also making self look like ass when I was trying to tell him that it feels different for me this time. I'm just sitting on go with him. It was overwhelming to hear from someone that they had been looking for you for 9 years. For those 9 years that he had been looking for me, my personal life was riddled with heart break, heart ache, and what amounted to a very broken woman left in the wake. I can't help but wonder (even though he says it does no good...of course it does no good but more on that in a second) if I had just stayed when he asked me, where we would be right now. But with that being said, I didn't stay and as he put it while we were on the phone, my leaving had dire consequences. In a sense, it did. We've both been thrown through he ringer by members of the opposite sex...yet, I wouldn't tell him that I regret my decision because I don't.  Had I not been treated so poorly over the last decade, I don't think I'd appreciate a good man to the fullest extent. I believe him to be a good man, however, we'll just have to wait and see how this pans out.

In other news, today I take the last of 4 exams in my American Gov't class. I wish I could tell you that I feel confident but alas. The good part? This class will be over and I will have more credits under my belt. I will climb the ladder of success one rung at a time if I have to in order to make it to the top...but I'll get there.

Monkey is doing great. He's so big and super smart....so far staying healthy too. BD will not be allowed to terminate his rights because there isn't anyone on my side, such as a husband, to adopt him. So, since he doesn't want to be around anyway, I would agree to lower his child support indefinitely and carry Monkey on my insurance if he agreed to no contact/no visitation and his permission to change Monkey's last name to mine. It's quite sick, on his part, but for a significantly lower amount per month, he has agreed to not be a part of his child's life. There is no way in frosted hell that I would EVER have agreed to anything like that. No way in hell. Shows how stupid, irresponsible, cowardly, and financially motivated he is. On one hand, I feel as though this is a victory. Someone who I didn't trust will never be able to just show up and take Monkey from me. He made himself a stranger to his own child and I felt beyond frantic when he would suggest picking Monkey up and taking him two hours from his entire life here with us...just so he could impress his girlfriend. But I know there are emotionally dark days ahead when Monkey has to learn the truth. My goal is to hopefully be able to raise him to think that what his father has done is irresponsible, is not condoned, nor should it be glamorized or glorified. I took legal action  in his best interests, and BD was given every opportunity to straighten up and be a part of Monkey's life. He chose not to be. So...it's my job, as his mother and someone who loves him regardless of how much is left of my paycheck, to make the best of what cards have been dealt and try to give him a fulfilling life.  :)

Christmas is coming up. Monkey is going to make out like a little bandit! LOL  I still have shopping to do. Not excited about it because I have NO idea what to get my mom, Granny, Grandma, or my sister.  Sis has been wanting a Nook for quite some time and the price dropped some since last year. They're still $200 but she's my sis and she's worth the price tag. She'll be my big receipt this year. Next year it will be someone elses turn. :)  That leaves mom, Gran, and Grandma.  Any ideas???

History Lesson

Ok. Well...Now that I have this post started I am at a loss as to how it needs to begin. Every story deserves to be told. And all the characters in it deserve to be mentioned. As many chapters in my life have been opened and closed, sealed up and almost forgotten, one has always remained open. Some of you may remember my mentioning Mr. History in some of my previous posts.  Mr. History isn't so "history " anymore. I know. I have some explaining to do.

 After THE email, I was furious and in my anger I found consolation in just slamming the door closed and being a raging hot head. For those of you who don't know, this tends to be my weakness AND my strength. The whole time I was upset with him, it was partially my fault. Partially. I had been so wrapped up in my high expectations for a relationship and his words that I failed to touch down on Earth's surface. You know...where reality is?  He came to the house and met family. They liked him. He fit right in like he'd been there thousands of times. It just felt...perfect. 

Until that stupid cow, Reality, set in and the email happened. When I read it, I was disappointed. I was so heartbroken that I really didn't care to read it with understanding about what he was REALLY saying. Now that I'm in school in addition to working full time on top of  being a mommy to a little guy, I understand how stressful it can be. It gets hard and adding a relationship (and we all know how much work those can be), wasn't something he could handle. I still have mixed feelings about the ex-wife story. I'm not looking for a man to be my son's dad. (At least he knew that) What I'm looking for is a man who WANTS to be a part of OUR lives. I suppose in a way I am looking for a dad for Monkey...but not in the way that some women do. I'm not going to force my child upon any man and expect him to pick up the reins and do a great job. I'm looking for a man who WANTS to be a dad to him. Wants to pick up the reins and be a good role model and father figure. A strong man with good morals. I'll never ask a man to do this. It will be something he does on his own in the comfort of our own relationship. I'm rambling. The point is, I, we, have discussed THE email and my response to it and we are past it. Water under the bridge.

There is something you should know about Mr. History and I. Prior to leaving for the Marines in 2002, we had a phone conversation that HE remembers vividly. He could tell you what he was wearing, where he was sitting, and what we were talking about in great detail. He was asking me to stay. He wanted me to stay in Texas and find out what was between us. I left anyway. We were young, I felt stuck in life, I had to go spread my wings. And for a long time after that last conversation, I didn't think about anything I'd left behind. It was several months into my enlistment, as I was racked with home-sickness, that I heard his voice. Not like "this chick is crazy in the head" kind of hearing it, but I could imagine his voice...the way it sounded. The way he said his words. And I missed him.  Every now and then I'd wonder what he was doing and how his life was. And I'd keep moving through my own. 

One day, someone introduced me to MySpace. I looked for him a few times, to no avail. I gave it up for the time being.  Another friend later introduced me to Facebook. I looked a few times and after several attempts (because he's the only person I've ever met with his last name), there he was. And he was married. And as much as I wanted to send him a message and tell him that I was still alive and what my where abouts were, I was NOT about to be the woman who pops up unexpectedly and makes waves in someones marriage. So I left it alone. I left him alone.

Years later, after my divorce and Monkey's coming into the world, I made an attempt with eHarmony. My initial and only bout with eH produced little and no interaction with the opposite sex. What interaction I did have with men was nothing short of disappointing. Something was ALWAYS wrong with them. They only wanted a sexual relationship, or they were too wrapped up in their current drama, I wasn't their type, they weren't mine...it was always something. Until one day, Mr. History's profile hit mine. He looked familiar. He was in the general area that I had last known him to be...so I contacted him. It really was him. And I was utterly shocked to find out that he had been looking for me for the last nine years and that I was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. He was divorced, no children (which surprised me) and was about an hour north of me.

Conversation with us is never boring. Even he says neither of us knows how to be quiet. He's right.  I don't know how to describe how I feel right now. He says I'm very articulate...but I'm at a loss. I called him on the way home the other day just so I could listen to him talk. We had a fairly long conversation but admittedly, I couldn't tell you exactly what we talked about. Truth be known, he had completely relaxed my mind. His first sentence was like stepping into a warm shower on a cold and rainy day. It's just comforting and warm. I just wanted to listen to him. And that I did.   We used to dispatch...I in one city, he in another. In fact, that's how we met...through a mutual friend who was also a dispatcher.  I would listen to his channel when mine was quiet. I hated nights that I was working and he wasn't.

His voice isn't the only thing that I'm attracted to but it was the first thing, and in all the years that we haven't spoken while I was away and in the past few that we weren't speaking, I missed it. I have to consciously make an effort to pay attention to exactly what it is that he's saying...not because what he has to say isn't interesting. It is. He's very intelligent. It's just so comforting to me. I know that sounds ridiculous, and maybe it is, but it's the truth.  His intelligence is yet another thing that is so attractive.

Anyway, I could go on for hours with my rambling. So here we are. I'm leaving it up to him to set and date and time for a dinner date. If he knows what's good for him though, he won't keep me waiting. LOL  *wink* I am excited to see him. I loved his company before and I can't wait to enjoy it again.  Another chapter in my story, or just another blog? Let's see what path he decides to take, shall we?

Lost in the Sauce

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written. I have such a heavy load right now that I don't even know where to start. I feel heavy. Physically and mentally. I ate almost an entire bag of Zapp's BBQ kettle style chips today as I sat in front on my computer wandering aimlessly in the abyss that is the WWW. More specifically, Facebook. It helped nothing.

My cousin is walking and losing weight and I am so happy for her. She's been well over 300 lbs for a very long time and thus far, she has shed 50 of it. Even as heavy as she still is, she looks great. She has found the motivation that I desperately need and crave every day. I feel helpless and out of control right now and borderline nuts half the time.

I hate my job. I know, I know. I'm lucky to have one...  But seriously? I hate my job. I dread getting out of bed on days that I have to work and have absolutely zero passion for anything about it. Yet, I have no idea what to do or where to even start to find the true root of my miserable existence in the work force. I don't really know what I want to do and in all honesty, have no idea what I would be good at or like to do. This is a HUGE problemo. And it stresses me daily.

I currently have a boyfriend, though may not for very much longer. Today, I realized that though he may care for me, we are not on the same page. And I'm tired of constantly being disappointed and in a consistent manner. I don't think he's the one. Not anymore at least.  That saddens me. Greatly. I really liked him a lot. On some level, loved him. But I can walk away and be done. I just hate that feeling of one more failure. A close friend told me that it's not I who has failed but rather that I have, again, dealt with someone who has failed me and that I cannot change someone who doesn't want to be changed. She's right. Plain and simple. Ugh. I hate it. I hate this feeling. I'm just...done. I'm done with it.


Also, Baby Daddy said he wants to give up his rights. That is both good and bad. Good because if it happens, I'll likely not have to deal with his fucking dumb ass for a long time. Bad because even though it's never been about the money, I will likely no longer receive child support. That is not my money. It's Monkey's. And it has ALWAYS gone towards daycare expenses...since that's about all it pays for. Anything left over, which is pocket change, is always just left int he account. I'm not one of those parents who uses their child's support funds to get her nails done or some other frivolous spend. That's Monkey's money. It goes towards his welfare. I just happen to use it to pay for his daycare. If BD isn't held financially responsible any longer, that's a big bill coming my way that is very abrupt and very regular.  That's about to strap me tighter than a gnat's ass over a rain barrel...

I'm stressed and hating it. I'm unhappy and hating that even more so. I don't know where to start. I don't know where the yellow brick road is to take that first step into the spiral.

When it all comes down...

When it all comes down to it, Gracie remains. I don't have time to be outwardly depressed. Not getting out of bed for a few days while I mourn the lack of a significant other is not an option. I have a child (who can put a smile on my face even when I am in the darkest of moods) that depends on me to not lose my job. He doesn't know it, but he depends on that.  Otherwise, I would lose my car. He'd have no where to go bye-bye to if Mommy can't drive us there. I'd have no money to get him fun things and diapers...I mean...I just do not have time to lay around and be depressed.

But some days, I'd like to.

Like today.

I go through phases where being single is just the greatest thing since sliced bread. During those times, I don't feel the weight of the romantic world staring me in the face. I don't feel green with envy of all my girlfriends who have found good men to share their lives with. I don't constantly look at people I meet everyday like "Are you him?".

Then there are times like this week that it just seems like love is in the air for everyone else but I feel like I'm gasping for just half a lungful of that air without any luck. There is no worse feeling than the feeling of loneliness.  Of climbing in your bed alone, again, and there isn't a warm person to snuggle up to. Riding in the car and there's no navigator sitting in you passenger seat, or a pilot driving you to where you want to go. You know. Your other half.

Some of my girlfriends have married some fantastic men. The kind of men that just...get it and have no qualms about entertaining the silliness of their wives just for the sake of seeing her smile. They love their wives with just enough ferocity to be completely normal without being possessive. I can't say that I have EVER felt completely comfortable with a significant other. I've always been nervous about something.  Is he going to cheat? Does he like my family? Does my family like him?  Is he good for Monkey? (Because we all know that if he's no good for Monkey, he sure as hell won't be good for me.)

I've decided to submerge myself into school and not come up for said air until I have a degree in something. Maybe if I'm too busy with work, Monkey and school, I won't have time to think about much of anything else...

Her.

The story, in her words, can be found here.

But let me tell you a little something about Mrs. Adventure...

If I were to ever win a trip to Europe, she'd be my pick to go over the pond with me.

If I get too down on myself and need a virtual slap in the face "get a hold of your self woman" moment, she is who I call.

When I get my heart broken and need to be reminded of just WHO I am and the degree of my inner strength, she gets those calls, too.

When I want to strangle my co-workers...she gets the fuming and irrational emails.

For as long as I was married to her ex-husband, I was told lies about her and led to believe she was Satan's mistress with a hot red poker for a pitch fork. And when I reached out to her during my divorce, she found it in her heart to love me anyway. Well, the sisterly love part didn't come until we realized JUST how much a like we are and in how many ways...but she didn't shut me out when I was hurting.  (**We even tried to talk to wife #3 and help her understand who she was really married to when the dumb bimbo reached out to US!!  Too bad she's as stupid as she is. He's already cheated on her once, while she was pregnant might I add. But she insulted Mrs. Adventure and got stupid with me too so she can't be a part of our "First Wives Club". LMAO!!! Bimbo is still married to him...idiot.) 

And since, she and I have become closer as friends. She knows how much I really weigh and what my real pants size is. She knows exactly what will push  my buttons and just how much crap I'm going to take before spewing forth hate and discontent. She also knows that I'm tenderhearted and am emotionally hurt very easily.  And just as a best friend should, she knows how to make me laugh so hard that liquid threatens to come out of my nose.

You know that friend that would flatten any jerk who hurt your heart, allow your child to help her make granola bars to keep him busy as you take a quick shower, would stay up all night to let you in when you finally got done driving down for a visit (even though she's ALSO been up all day) and meet you at the door with a glass of freshly poured wine.

That's her.

That's my best friend.